Another hurdle to jump

So as those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know, my maternal grandmother died on Saturday between 9:30 and 10:00pm. It was, of course, sad, but not unexpected. Grandma had been suffering from vascular dementia, which is essentially Alzheimer's. It has all the symptoms of Alzheimer's, but is supposedly accompanied by mini strokes in the brain that lead to the cell death. She had been deteriorating rapidly these past few weeks, both mentally and physically. The person that was Grandma had been gone for a long time before she actually died, so in some ways, it was a blessing that she passed. Not to mention that she died peacefully on a morphine drip and most likely in her sleep. I'll miss her, but I'm glad that she's not suffering anymore.

What has actually been more difficult this weekend is that I was surrounded by death. I went to the memorial service of one of my college friend's dad on Saturday, found out that Grandma died that night, and then Sunday was Father's Day. Let's just say that all of this has not been good for my eating and exercise plans.

Actually, the memorial service was nice. It was basically a big cookout (minus the grill) celebrating the life of my friend's dad and being there to support the family. It kind of reminded me of Dad's funeral in that it was a sad occasion, but the atmosphere wasn't solemn and stoic; it was nostalgic and supportive. The only thing that got to me was that I thought about how unimaginable it would be to lose both parents in the span of nine months. It made me very grateful that I still have Mom around. She's too feisty to die any time soon. ;)

Father's Day was tough this year. This is the second Father's Day without Dad and you would think that the first year would be the hardest, but it wasn't. Colleen and I went to the grave last year, which didn't have a grave marker yet, so we sat in the general area. It was nice. We listened to Simon and Garfunkel on the way down (it always reminds us both of Dad) and spent some time there before going home.
It just hit me harder this year. That's the way grief goes. You never know when it's going to hit and what is going to trigger it. That's what sucks so much about it.

So needless to say, my healthy eating plan has fallen by the wayside for the past few days. I ate way too much at the memorial service, followed by smores at my cousin's house and then Chinese food on Sunday. Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, I gained two pounds. I'm glad that I didn't gain back all of the weight I lost, but I did gain back half of it. It's a bit disheartening because it feels like I'm going back to square one and that all the effort I have put in for the last few weeks was all for nothing. I know that that is not true, but that's what it feels like.

I got back on track yesterday and I'm gonna try to be as good as I can over the next week, though it's going to be difficult. At least I know that I won't be emotionally eating because of the loss. I'm sad that Grandma is gone, but I'm not depressed. I'm happy that she lived a long, full life (she was either 84 or 85) and that she died peacefully. I know that she is in Heaven with Dad, so that is comforting. I also got to see her before she died, so I have no regrets. All I have to do is make sure that I don't go overboard with the food that will be at the "after party" and that I exercise when I can.

I'm just going to chalk this up to another hurdle that I have to overcome. Lord knows that I've had a lot of them in my 23 years of life and I'm still here. If what they say is true, that "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", then I must be Superman.

There are days when I feel like a recovering addict.

I really do. I should be on one of those shows about addiction like "Intervention" or "Celebrity Rehab". "Hello, my name is Anna and I am a food addict".

But in all seriousness, I really feel like an addict because I am. Although there are those out there that believe that there is no such thing as food addiction, I have to say that food addiction is as real and life consuming as drug or alcohol addiction. In fact, anything that causes the activation of the pleasure pathways can lead to an addiction, whether that be drugs, food, shopping, sex, etc. The DSM-IV criteria for addiction is answering yes to three of the seven questions below.

1. Tolerance. Has your use of drugs or alcohol increased over time?
2. Withdrawal. When you stop using, have you ever experienced physical or emotional withdrawal? Have you had any of the following symptoms: irritability, anxiety, shakes, sweats, nausea, or vomiting?
3. Difficulty controlling your use. Do you sometimes use more or for a longer time than you would like? Do you sometimes drink to get drunk? Do you stop after a few drink usually, or does one drink lead to more drinks?
4. Negative consequences. Have you continued to use even though there have been negative consequences to your mood, self-esteem, health, job, or family?
5. Neglecting or postponing activities. Have you ever put off or reduced social, recreational, work, or household activities because of your use?
6. Spending significant time or emotional energy. Have you spent a significant amount of time obtaining, using, concealing, planning, or recovering from your use? Have you spend a lot of time thinking about using? Have you ever concealed or minimized your use? Have you ever thought of schemes to avoid getting caught?
7. Desire to cut down. Have you sometimes thought about cutting down or controlling your use? Have you ever made unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control your use?

Now replace "drug" and "alcohol" with food. That is food addiction. And let me tell you, I am definitely a food addict. Let's look at it in detail.

1. Strange as it sounds, I have a tolerance for food. I have eaten so much food every day that when I consume only as much as the average person should eat, I get hungry quickly. My body actually needs to have more food than the average person to feel full.
2. Now, while I will not compare food withdrawal with drug withdrawal (cause withdrawal from drugs is insane - vomiting, headaches, shakes, anxiety, etc.......not fun stuff), I will say that when I go without something sweet for a day, I get fidgety and start searching for anything even remotely sweet to satisfy myself.
3. Difficulty controlling my use? Well that's a huge "No duh!!" I usually eat even when I'm not hungry and I have a hard time not going on a junk food binge.
4. I think the negative consequences are pretty obvious. Food addiction leads to weight gain, which in turn leads to low self esteem and often low mood. Not to mention the obvious consequences to your health.
5. Now while I have never neglected an activity or obligation because of food, I have let the fact that I could not fit into any of my nice clothes stop me from going to my cousin's bachelorette party. So in a way, this could be a yes.
6. This is the big one! This is where food addiction, at least for me, has the closest connection to drug/alcohol addiction. I think about food all the time. Far more often than I should. And when I have a craving, that food is all I think about. I remember a few months ago when I was really bad in it and I had cravings for doughnuts all the time, especially the ones from Weis. (They have surprisingly good doughnuts) I used to go to the store just to buy them, but I would use cash so that I could just throw away the receipt and no one would have to know that I bought them. (My mom was reimbursing me for food shopping at the time, so I would give her the receipt if I went shopping and used my debit card.) I would also use the self check-out line so that the cashier wouldn't judge me for buying six doughnuts. When I got home, I would hide them in a cupboard in the kitchen so that no one would find them. After I ate them, and yes, I would eat all of them in one sitting, I would throw out the bag in either my own trashcan or hide it under other garbage in the kitchen trashcan. That way, no one would know what I did or criticize me for it. I know......that's a lot of energy going into just eating doughnuts. But that was part of my addiction.
7. I think this blog is the answer to this question.

So while I might not outright answer yes to every question, you can at least see how it can be done. Yet, people still want to say that there is no such thing. Bull!
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So the reason that I'm writing this post in the first place is because I fell off the proverbial wagon today. I went food shopping (since I have nothing else to do with my time) and I had a really strong craving for a doughnut. (one of my many Achilles heels) I have been really good about just passing by the bakery section in past trips to the store and buying my low fat Weight Watchers ice cream bars instead. (I can eat one and suck on the Popsicle stick for a few hours, which stops me from eating) But today was bad and I decided to give in. Granted, I only let myself buy two, but two is more than I should be eating. I found myself eating both in the same sitting and hiding the evidence like I used to do. I felt bad after I ate them, but then I did something that I've never done after eating doughnuts.............I didn't binge on more junk food and I exercised.

In the past, I would have seen the doughnut eating as failure and thrown in the towel. There is this mentality of "Well, I already screwed up. I might as well just eat stuff that's bad for me and start again next week." Of course, next week always turns into the 1st of the month, which turns into next semester, which turns into next year, which never happens. (See the viscous cycle?) But this time, I ate the doughnuts, went about my day, and walked on the treadmill before dinner. Granted, I still felt bad, but I didn't spiral.

So I guess I'm a recovering addict. I may never be able to kick the habit entirely like other addicts can (there is that whole needing to eat to live thing), but I am slowly learning how to manage.

Will wonders never cease

So after my last entry, I got quite a few comments and suggestions regarding vegetables. How to cook them, what flavors go best with them, etc. Well, I went online to Foodnetwork.com and found a few recipes to try and last night, I decided to make a few of them. I made Dijon-tarragon chicken breast, broccoli and cheese mashed potatoes, and garlic roasted green beans with shallot and hazelnuts.

First, let me just say that cooking more than one dish at a time was not a smart idea. I have yet to master timing everything so that it all finishes together and yesterday was no exception. I started with the mashed potatoes because I thought that they would take the longest, then started the chicken while the potatoes cooked, and prepped the green beans while everything else was cooking since they were really easy to make. But in terms of my previous attempts at multitasking, it was not too bad. The chicken and green beans were done within a few minutes of each other. It was only the potatoes that had to be reheated a bit.

So I'm sure that those of you who have read my blog until now know how I hate vegetables and how apprehensive I was about trying them again, but I have good news. I liked both of the vegetable dishes that I made last night! It was shocking to me too! I had a feeling that I wouldn't mind the broccoli because it is mixed with potatoes and cheese, so the flavor is at least muddled, but I was not expecting to like the green beans. Despite some flavoring, they were completely alone on the plate with nothing to hide the taste. Plus, I have had a taste aversion to them every since I was a young teenager and threw up after eating green beans. The only difference between those green beans and the ones from last night was that the old ones were canned and last night's were fresh and roasted. Big plus! Not to mention that I roasted them with shallots, garlic, and olive oil and then added lemon zest and hazelnuts after they cooked. Not to sound like a food critic, but the lemon really brightened up the flavor.

I have to say that it was weird for me to take that first bite of green bean and say, "Wow, that's good!" I had to take a step back and ask if I really just said that. I never thought in a million years that you could not only get me to eat green beans, but actually like them! I know Dad must have been shocked. He was probably just staring down at me, jaw dropped in amazement. Especially since he and I always butted heads when it came to eating vegetables. Mom said that he probably would have loved them too, just like she did. She actually did her happy dance when she tasted them. Always a good sign.

So I have decided to definitely keep those recipes and try some more out in the next few weeks. Who would have thought that a girl who hates change as much as I do would be willing to experiment with foods she previously hated? It must be a sign of growth. (Lord knows I've done a heck of a lot of it over the last two years!)

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I am also happy to report that I am down to 245.5lbs after four weeks (aka 4.5 lbs), so I am right on schedule with the weight loss.


Here are the recipes I made last night if you guys want to try them for yourselves.
     *Note, I added extra lemon zest to the green beans than what it calls for. I just did one zest line all the way around the lemon.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/dijon-tarragon-chicken-breasts-recipe/index.html
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/bobby-flay/garlic-roasted-green-beans-with-shallots-and-hazelnuts-recipe/index.html
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/broccoli-and-cheese-smashed-potatoes-recipe/index.html

I have awesome friends/family

I haven't even had this blog up for a week and I have gotten such a response from it. My Facebook post with the link has 5 Likes and 5 comments (not including my responses). I even got a text from my cousin Karen and a message from an old friend Jessica.

All of the comments and messages have been very encouraging too. People have even offered suggestions for my (apparently obvious) disdain of vegetables, including variety and cooking them in different ways. I'd be willing to try it, though to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how well it's going to work. When I was a kid, I had to cover up my vegetables up so that I couldn't taste them at all. I would eat zucchini and yellow squash with a mountain of Parmesan cheese on top. And I realize that our taste buds change every 7 years or so, or so they say. And I have seen this with some things. I still like zucchini with Parmesan cheese, but now it's just a dusting of cheese and not an avalanche. I also like tomatoes now too. Granted they still need to be on something like a sandwich or burger, but I won't pick them off like I used to do. That was thanks to Germany. (Yes, something good did come out of that trip - surprisingly enough) There was this bakery right down the street from the American Junior Year center on Hauptstrasse that had such good food. Of course, being a bread fiend like I am, it was an obvious place to go for lunch. Not to mention that it was cheap and I was on a budget. They had goodies like doughnuts and croissants, but they also had sandwiches and personal pizzas. There was one sandwich that had fresh mozzarella and tomatoes on it. At first, I would pick off the tomatoes and just eat the mozzarella. (I know, cheese and bread - not exactly healthy but not a surprise that I would eat it) Then I realized that I was paying 1.99 Euro for this sandwich, which was one of the most expensive things at the bakery, and I was only eating half of it. So one day, I tried it altogether and found out that it wasn't too bad. That is when I started eating tomatoes.

So long story short (too late!), while I have grown to like certain vegetables, I am sceptical about liking those notorious green vegetables like broccoli and green beans. I'll give it a try though. What could it hurt? There are already so many things I have done over the past year and a half that were "if I can do this, I can do anything" moments, so eating more vegetables shouldn't be a problem.

And I want to thank all of you who have made comments about this blog either on FB or here in the comments section. I really appreciate the support and hope that you continue following me on my journey. I can't do it without the support of my friends and family and it seems like I've got great friends and family, so I'm set. Thanks guys and gals! :)



And in honor of eating more vegetables, here is a blast from the past. Anyone remember this?

So it begins.....

Until recently, I had never utilized a blog before. I really didn't feel the need to tell everyone on the internet what I was doing or how I was feeling. Then, as a part of my Neues Deutsches Kino class (also known as New German Film), we were required to keep a blog about the films that we watched and the topics that we discussed. Though I am sure that no one other than Dr. Esa read it, espeically because it is in German, it got me thinking that maybe I should start a blog about something important in my life. Several of my friends have blogs about the books they read or their opinions on women's issues, so I figured that I could do one about my attempt to get healthy. And yes, I know that there are probably a million blogs about people trying to lose weight and whining about it. It is my hope and plan that this will not be one of them.

Yes, I am trying to lose weight. Yes, I have been known to whine a bit. (No one knows this better than my family) However, what I am really trying to do is get healthy so that I can live a good, long life. I won't say that looking better and being able to fit into clothes that don't come from Lane Bryant aren't part of the reason that I'm doing this, but they are neither the most important nor most prominent reasons. So while I am on this journey to get healthy (yes that is where the title of the blog came from), I have decided to document some of the highs and lows. So here goes...........


Just like millions of Americans, I am overweight. Well technically, if you use the BMI scale, at 250lbs on a 5' 6" body, I am considered obese. But we all know that the BMI scale is really only a good jumping off point and not the end-all, be-all when it comes to weight, right? Well, we should anyway. BMI only takes into account height and weight, not muscle mass, family history, activity level, or even the size of your breasts. Did you know that a 34D breast weighs about 2.5-3lbs each?! That's an extra 5-6 pounds on your chest that, unless it has very little breast tissue in it, is not going to go away from weight loss. Go up one cup size and your 34DDs weigh about 3-3.5lbs each. Now granted, some women do lose weight in their chest, but you will never be able to get rid of them completely and that does impact your weight.

And just like millions of Americans, I have tried just about everything to get rid of the weight. I have done Weight Watchers, Nutrisystems, had "fresh" prepared food delivered, and Eat Right for Your Type. The only thing that I refuse to do is weight loss pills. First of all, I don't really trust putting chemicals in my body. Second, I'm already taking enough pills. And thirdly, between the kidney transplant and the medications I take for it, there is just too much to worry about. I have had some success with each of these plans (though Eat Right wanted me to essentially become a vegitarian......not me), but each time, I either can't stick with it or once I'm off it, I gain back more weight.

So after I hit my heaviest of 250lbs, I decided that I really needed to lose weight. But this time, I took some time to think about what would work for me and I had a thought. My dad always said that the definition of a diet is the food that you eat in a day, not a restriction of food that you use to lose weight. So using this approach, I decided to not go on a "diet", but to improve my actual diet. I am on the Anna diet, which consists of trying to eat more fruits and vegetables (though vergetables are still a challenge for me), eating smaller portions, and drinking lots of water. I have one of those Starbucks reuseable venti cups and I just keep filling it up with water. This also helps keep me from bored eating. If I have eaten within 2-3 hours or I feel bored, I fill up my cup and drink a venti's worth of water instead of eating.

I realize that this sounds like a no-brainer and that every other person trying to lose weight not only knows this, but has done it. But here is where my method differs: I still eat ice cream and chocolate nearly every day. And before you go, "yeah but it's sugar-free, fat-free with no taste", let me say that it is usually low fat ice cream, but it is never sugar-free, nor flavorless. And when the mood hits me to eat Ben & Jerry's, I do.....I just try not to eat the whole thing in one setting. (which I have done in the past) The main thing is that while I try to eat healthy, I do not deny myself the foods that I love. I just try to eat them in smaller portions and less often. Not exactly a radical concept, but it was a big realization for me.

But eating right is only one half of the equation. Excersize is important, but like many people, I hate it. I hate getting sweaty and unlike some people out there, I do not feel better after I do it. It does not relieve my stress or make me feel energized. I just feel gross. So while eating better is difficult, willingly exercising is next to impossible. Thankfully, my therapist has been helping me to realize that I need to set realistic expectations and not do too much too soon. So I have started walking on the treadmill every other day. There are many days when I don't want to do it, but I have to push myself. And then there are days when I was supposed to exercise but I don't. It happens.

So this is the start of my journey. I began on May 16, 2011 at 250 lbs, wearing a size 14/16 tops and 18/20 bottoms, and with no stamina at all. As of today, I have lost 2.5lbs and am working towards being healthy.