How Times Have Changed

There are moments in my life when I think about just how much I've changed and grown. And, yes, I realize that this blog is supposed to be about my continuing journey to getting healthy, but that doesn't just mean bodily health. I want to be healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically.

As I believe that I've mentioned on here before, though it has been a long time since I posted anything and I tend to forget what I've previously written, I have joined a site called My Fitness Pal. It's basically an online food and exercise journal that helps you keep track of things like calories, fat, sugar, salt, and carbs. I've been a member for a few months now and until recently, I have just been using it as a food/fitness journal. It is a way for me to manage what I'm eating and how much. However, the site is also like a dieter's Facebook because you can make friends on the site, track each other's progress, create a blog, and use the message boards.

This past week, I decided to try to friend my mother, who is also using the site, so that we could support each other. Once I found her, I found all the other people that I know, in real life mind you, and I friended them as well. Then I started going on the message boards and checking out some posts. I replied to a few and even had a girl that I gave advice to friend me. It's been kind of nice.

But I have to say that I noticed something interesting the more that I read other people's posts. There were more than a few times that I found myself thinking. "Wow, that used to be me" or "I used to think like that too". Posts such as using a "before" photo hung to the fridge to give me motivation to work out or not eat or posts about feeling like shit and saying "screw it!" when I accidentally go on a binge, or posts focused on how much weight has been lost and the fact that it's not coming off quickly enough. And each time I read posts like that, I found myself thinking "Yeah, but that's not me anymore." or "I'm so glad that I stopped doing/thinking that". Now, obviously, I'm still human, and I still have to deal with negative self talk and the looming obsession of weight. I mean, just two weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist Amy about how I was starting to weigh myself everyday and that I had to stop doing it. She suggested putting the scale under the sink until Monday, when I weekly weigh myself. A great plan, I should add, for anyone struggling with this.

Anyway, it was really interesting to kind of be on the other side of things. Yes, I'm trying to lose weight and yes, I have a lot of the same failings as the other people on the site, BUT the way I see things has changed so much. Every other time that I've tried to lose weight, I was doing just that...losing weight. I was only concerned with the number on the scale and not how I felt or how I got to that number. Now, I am trying to get healthy and one of the perks of that is that I will naturally lose weight. My body knows what weight it wants to be at and as long as I'm not interfering with that by eating crap, then that is what will happen.It will go to that weight. Not to mention the exercise will help with that.

But I think the biggest thing that struck me is the way that a lot of people are thinking about the whole process and how it differs from mine. Like the girl who put her before photo on her fridge to encourage her. She posted "...But when I looked at my before pictures I felt ill. So much so that I printed that nasty photo and put it on my fridge. I look at it everyone I wasn't to eat. It helps me visualize what I am working so hard for therefore I make smarter food choices". After I read that, I felt so bad for her. She obviously has severe body and self esteem issues, so much so that she gets sick when she looks at herself. And to be honest, I've tried a similar approach to stop eating. No, I did not hate myself to the point that I got sick when I saw myself. Thank God, I have never felt that way before. But I did once put "fat pictures" of myself and other women on the fridge and pantry to stop myself from going in and eating. I thought that it was positive reinforcement, but it was actually self sabotage. I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough the way that I am and that food was off limits. That just made me binge more and led to a downward spiral.

I feel like now, I have more of a mature grip on this part of my life. Maybe it comes from growing up, maybe from all the trial and error that I've had in trying to lose weight for a good chunk of my life, or maybe from learning about myself in therapy. I don't know. But I really feel like now I am doing this in the right way with the right motivation and, most days, in the right frame of mind. I love myself, whether I'm fat or thin, and even if I was skinny one day, I would still be me. Yes, I want to be healthier, but that doesn't mean that while I'm in the process of getting there that I'm nasty or ugly. I'm me.....at 250lbs or 150lbs. Plus, weight is such a small part of health. It's not the end all be all. It's like judging someones intelligence just by their SAT score. It only shows a small portion of the overall whole. Check out this link if you don't believe me: Lower Weight Doesn't Mean Better Health

And honestly, this journey is a lifelong one. Even when, not if, when, I get to a healthy state and weight, I'm going to have to work to maintain it for the rest of my life. So the key for me and everyone else out there on this type of journey is to find out what works and stick with that. And realize that failure is inevitable. You will eat the wrong thing or not work out one day and that is fine. It's all about if you get up the next day and keep going. And don't be so hard on yourself. I posted this picture on one of the message boards and it has helped me a lot when I start criticizing myself. I hope it will help other people out there too.

Everything changes

Wow! So I haven't posted since the semester began and boy have things changed! In order to get through it all, I think that I'll break it up a bit.


1. Work: Well there have been quite a few changes at work. We only have a staff of three now, after one of the sales leaders left for a full time position. I was sad to see her go, but happy that she is able to make the money that she needs to support her family. Not to mention that I have taken over her hours. That's right, I have finally been getting hours. 29 in fact, both this past week and this upcoming week. It's been awesome!! Also, I have been promoted to a key holder! That means that I am a sales leader now. I can officially open and close the store and make executive decisions without having to run it through someone else. I have also been put in charge of ordering supplies for the store when needed. It's been nice since I've basically be doing all this already, but now I get the title to go with it. Oh, and the pay raise....that's pretty nice too.


2. School: So school has been quite a whirlwind. There's really too much to talk about here and, to be honest, I don't really want to talk about it here. But the short version is that I am no longer going to college. I don't have, what mom calls, the "grace" to do it anymore. I have the credit hours that I finished, which is at least more than an associate's, but I won't get the bachelor's or the teaching certificate. I'll admit, it was hard to make the decision. I struggled with it and, to some degree, I still struggle. But it's been a few weeks, and I'm starting to feel good. I know that it was the right choice.


And what this blog is really about...
3. Food and Exercise: As with pretty much everyone in America, the holidays were not a good time for getting and staying healthy. There's so much food and goodies that overeating is almost inevitable. I have to say that even though I wasn't good this year, I didn't go as overboard as I have in years past. I only gained back 3 pounds or so, so I am still 10 lighter than when I first started. And needless to say, exercise has basically gone by the wayside. I didn't walk or do any strength training.


Now that it's a new year, I've started getting back on track. Although I didn't make an official New Year's Resolution, mostly because I think that they are stupid and almost no one sticks to them, I did decide to get back into getting healthy. So I started packing my lunch to work and trying to cut back on sweets. The only overtly sweet thing in the house is a bag of individually wrapped Dove dark chocolate. That way, I can satisfy my sweet tooth and still be healthy. (Dark chocolate is supposed to actually be good for you due to the flavanols in it. Some claim that it helps lower blood pressure) And as I've always said, even if chocolate is unhealthy, it helps me feel better, so it's good for my mental health. :)


I also bought some workout DVDs on Amazon. They were cheap and claimed to be for beginners, so I thought that I'd give it a shot. I'm trying to vary my workout routine so that I don't get bored. Also, I want to be able to get a workout in even when I don't have much time, so two of the DVDs are 10 minute workouts. And before you say that you can't possibly work out for 10 minutes and get any results, try it. The 10 minute dance workout kicked my butt! It was more intense than the 30 minute interval walking workout that I had been using last year.


I have to say that I like two of the three videos. I got a Walk a Mile DVD that is really nice. It has a 5 minute warmup, 5 different miles to choose from, and a 5 minute cool down/stretch. It's really nice! You walk a mile, but she varies it from walking in place, to side steps, to kicks, to knee lifts. That makes it a little more exciting than just walking. And the mile only takes about 15 minutes (which is coincidentally, how long it took me to "run" the mile in middle school) Plus the lady in the video is nice and encouraging, without beating it into you. I always hate it when fit people on workout videos keep pushing you, claiming that it is easy. There are some that even claim that if they can do it, then I should be able to. News Flash: I'm overweight, unhealthy, and have no stamina. You are in shape, most likely healthy, and have built up endurance. Don't try to claim that I can do what you can. If I could, I wouldn't be using your videos. You have to be able to take people where they are and push them just enough to get them to go further, not expect that they can run after having been sedentary for years. Anyway, I would highly recommend her video for anyone that wants to get in shape gradually and hates to workout (like me). It's just walking. I'm planning on getting some more of her DVDs soon.


The other video that I like is the dance workout. There are a million of them out there, but this one is for 10 minutes and is for beginners. I've only done the first two workouts (it provides 5) and the first one was fun, while the second one was too advanced. It had hip hop moves that I just can't do, let alone to the beat that they want me to do it to. The more that I try to dance, the more that I realize just how much of my father's rhythm I inherited and just how white I truly am. It's bad. That's one of many reasons why I won't go to Zumba. I don't think that I could keep up, but more importantly, no one is allowed to see me "dance" (and I use that term loosely). It's a scary sight to see. But thankfully, I do it in the basement, so I can be alone in my awkwardness. Hopefully the rest of the dances are fun. I'll keep you posted.


The only video that I don't like, although I've only done one routine off of it, is the strength training DVD. It's another 10 minute workout (I believe they are from the same series) but I don't like it. The lady goes through the moves way too quickly and doesn't explain very well how to do them. That's a pretty big deal considering that you can mess up your muscles if you do certain exercises incorrectly. With the walking DVD, there is no way for me to screw up. Same with the dance video. I may not be graceful, but if I do it wrong, I can't hurt myself...just my pride ;)  Also, the lady has you in positions that require amazing balance. That may be all well and good for the girl in the video, but I have boobs and a stomach which can't be counterbalanced by my butt, no matter how big it is for a white girl. I also have almost no core muscles. That's part of the reason that I'm exercising in the first place...to build up strength. Needless to say, I started doing the exercises and kept falling over. So I will be working my way up to that DVD.




Well I guess that is a good enough update. I'm going to try to update more frequently, now that I have time again. Oh, and here are the DVDs in case anyone is interested.
Walking DVD
Dance DVD
Strength Training DVD

Falling into place

Those of you who know me (and that's probably almost everyone who reads this blog) know that I'm a huge Disney animation fan......bordering on fanatic. So with my iTunes being comprised of approximately 40% Disney music (and another 40% dedicated to Broadway), it's no surprise that I listen to Disney soundtracks often. And those of you who know me well know that I use music to help my deal with life and use it to express what I'm feeling at any given time. So where is this train of thought going? Well, recently I've been listening to the Princess and the Frog soundtrack (which is not one of my favorite movies, but the music is pretty good and I can relate to the protagonist pretty well) and the music from Tangled (of which I have yet to buy the cd, so I listen to it via YouTube) and I really feel like some of the songs are so appropriate for my life right now.

Things are finally starting to come together. I have a solid job at Catherine's now, which I mentioned in my last post, and I've been getting between 12-20 hours a week. (This past paycheck was for $240!) I can also still work there while I'm in school, which is a huge blessing. There are only three of us working there, so we have some flexibility in how we schedule ourselves. School starts on Monday and I'm finally entering my senior year. One more year before I graduate and a year and a half until I'm certified to teach!! Finally!! I love college and still have a few friends there, but I'm ready to be done. I'm a fifth year senior who started in 2006. It's time. I'm done. Though at the same time, it's kind of scary to think that in another year, I'll be a real adult.

Not to mention that I'm finally taking steps to meet "that special someone". I started using eHarmony at the beginning of the summer and there is one guy who I have been talking with. We have talked online for about a month and we had our first over the phone conversation on Wednesday. I'm still not sure if I'm attracted to him in that way, but hey, it's a start. I'm at least doing something about it.

I feel like now my life is starting. For a while, I was just stuck in this weird place. I wasn't really a college kid or an adult; I wasn't making my own money; and I was just sort of stuck in the house alone. Most days were boring and the days all ran into each other. I felt like "Hey! When is my life going to start?" Now, I have commitments and goals. I'm moving forward in my life and it feels incredible. Who knows? The plan could change six times, but at least I have a plan and I'm able to go after it.

And as an added bonus, I've lost 10 lbs! That's right, I'm down to 240lbs. I still have a long way to go but at least I'm on the right path. I'm so glad that I've hit that mark, mostly because for several weeks, I couldn't drop below 244. I did everything that I could and I still weighed the same. Then I finally dropped to 242 and this past week dropped to 240. I think the thing that helped the most was work. It kept me away from any food source for several hours and, although there isn't a lot of walking around, I did get some exercise in. I think that came mostly from having to swiffer the floors and vacuum the dressing rooms. I usually have the closing shift and towards the end of the shift, we have to clean and straighten up the store. It's been disguised exercise. The best thing about the drop in weight is that some of my clothes are getting loose. I'm not at the point where I can wear a smaller size, but some of the tighter fitting clothes are comfortable and the previously comfortable things are loose. There are a few items that I have in my closet, just like everyone else out there, that I can't fit into anymore and I'm hopeful that, within a month or two, I'll be able to fit in them again. I'm especially excited for when I can fit into my vest again! It's so cute on me and I can close the buttons, but I just can't sit down in it with the buttons closed. A few more pounds and I'll be there.

So that's basically an update of my life. So where does the part about Disney fit into all of this? Well, there is a song in Tangled called "When will my life begin" and until recently, that was pretty much my feelings on life. Granted, I have never done as many chores as Rapunzel, but the feeling of being stuck in the same old rut is very comparable to my life. The other song is from the Princess and the Frog called "Almost There". It's about the protagonist being close to accomplishing her dream of owning her own restaurant, which was a dream of her deceased father. (It just wouldn't be a Disney movie without a dead parent) Now that my life is moving forward, I feel the same way. With being a senior after almost 6 years, I'm so close to graduating and accomplishing this big goal that I've had forever.

So here are the songs for those of you who have never heard them.

Moving Forward

It's been awhile since I've posted, much to the chagrin of my bored cousin Karen. So what has been happening in my life you may ask? Well, when I originally started this post, not much, but over the last few days, I've had quite a bit happen. I've started working again!!! Huzzah!! It may only be about 10-12 hours a week, but it's a heck of a lot better than the 0 hours that I have been working all summer. I've actually switched stores too. I now work at Catherine's, which is next to Lane Bryant and is owned by the same umbrella company. The merchandise, however, is nothing like Lane Bryant. It's designed for older ladies and when I say older, I mean like 70 year old ladies who have given up on style. I told my mom that if I ever caught her dressing like that that I would smack her. You don't need to be young or skinny to have style. You just have to work with what you've got and, as Tim Gunn would say, "Make it work". I suppose that most of the stuff in Catherine's could work if you paired it with classic pieces like jeans or mixed in the right accessories like a belt, but the way that most people wear the stuff is just plain crazy. I mean, wearing a matching shirt and skirt in leopard print? Where are we, New Jersey? It's just too much! Not to mention all the shirts with shoulder pads....... *shudders*

So the exercise has lessened of late, mostly because of work. I'm still trying to figure out how to work it all in. It's just going to get worse in two weeks when I'm working and going to school. I thought about exercising in the morning before school, so I don't have to worry about it during the day, but I'm definitely not a morning person. Plus, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I have my practicum at 8:30am, so I have to get up at 6am just to get ready and drive there. No way am I getting up earlier than that to work out. I know myself, and I just won't do it. So the plan as of now if to work out before my classes on Tuesday/Thursdays. I'll still have to get up early, but at least the sun will be up when I am. Fridays are also fine for exercising because I don't have any classes. I'll hopefully be tourguiding, which will count as part of my work out, and then going to work. But I have a bit more flexibility on Fridays, so it should work fine.

The eating has been going well, other than two days. The first was during Laura's shower. I ate way too many cookies. It's my weakness. I have a ridiculous sweet tooth. And I can control it somewhat with ice cream, because I'll have a bowl and that will be enough, but with cookies, if there are some on the table, I'll go up several times to take a couple. Suddenly, my two cookie treat has turned into a 10 cookie binge. It's bad! The other day was yesterday. Colleen, Peter, and I went to the Montgomery County fair. It was so much fun! We haven't been to it since we were little. I didn't eat as horribly as I have in the past, but I did have about a 20 oz bottle of lemonade, which seemed to have a lot of sugar in it, half of a funnel cake, and a corn dog. Then for dinner, I went to Wendy's and got a 1/4 pounder burger meal. I ended the day with a bowl of Edy's slow churned chocolate ice cream. Normally, it's not a bad ice cream because it's low fat, but compiled with everything else that I ate that day, it was bad. So I'm back on my program again today. It's an everyday thing with me. Gotta take it one day at a time.

This is my upset face

It's just plain frustrating. I've been doing really well recently with my healthy eating and exercising plan. Last week, I worked out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday (and Sunday of this week) and the only unhealthy thing that I ate was when I went to T.G.I. Fridays with Colleen and her cast after her show and got a chicken club sandwich with a side salad. My sandwich did end up coming with fries too, but I only had a few and gave the rest to one of Colleen's cast mates. I ordered the salad in an attempt to be healthy, even though I know that most salads in restaurants are more unhealthy than many of the traditionally unhealthy foods. But it was a small salad that had iceberg lettuce (which is nutritionally empty), tomatoes, cucumbers, some cabbage, croutons, and honey mustard dressing (I figured that it would be better then ranch). I drank water and didn't have dessert.

However, when I weighed myself this morning (as I do every Monday after I wake up), I had gained 3 pounds. I weighed myself last Friday because I wanted to see if the extra workouts were working and I was 244 and then today I was 247. I just don't understand how this happened. I could get it if I went on a binge or ate a lot of food at T.G.I.Fridays or didn't exercise, but I did everything I could and I still gained weight. The only thing that I could think of is (and I know that this is gross) that I'm constipated. That is the only explanation that I can think of. There is no way that I gained 3 pounds in 3 days while being healthy. A pound equals 3500 calories, so to have gained three pounds, I would have had to consume 10,500 calories, as well as any that I burned from exercising. And I know that the whole point of this is to get healthy, but I would really like to lose some weight too. I know that being 250lbs and 5'6" is just not healthy, even without going by the BMI scale. I don't expect to be 110lbs, but I'd like to be under 200. I was around 200lbs when I was in Germany and I felt good.

The only thing I can do is keep going and see if it gets better next week. Hopefully, I will have lost some weight. I worked out today and I plan to do it every day this week and see if that helps. Fingers crossed.....

And the winner is......

So I have made a decision. I am not going to go to an OA meeting. And before you go, "well you should at least try it before you dismiss it", let me explain why.

OA bases its program around the Twelve Steps, which were created originally for AA.

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The first and most important step is admitting that you are powerless over food and that you can't just "use more willpower" to get your life under control. And I have to admit, that while I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, I am not powerless over it. I can eat really healthy and in small portions when I try and I set myself up to succeed. My biggest problems are that I'm lazy and I tend to eat my emotions. I'll eat when I'm bored, depressed, angry, and even happy. There are those out there who claim that all fat people are just lazy and if they just got up off their fat asses, they could lose the weight and be healthy. Clearly, this is not true in many cases. Unhealthy weight is the result of so many factors including medications, metabolism, and genetics. But to a certain extent (and only a certain extent) it is true for me. I am a lazy person in all aspects of my life. I would much rather do nothing than get up and work out.......or do homework......or clean my room. Not to mention that I'm not a fan of sweating. I know that most people aren't, but I inherited my father's lovely ability to sweat like there's no tomorrow. Even when I just walk, I will sweat. So the prospect of working out and feeling like I just came out of a shower of sweat is not appealing.

The other thing that puts me off about going to OA is that, while they claim to not be religiously affiliated, they talk about asking God to remove all defects of our character. I think that I have learned poor eating habits and that I have used food to cope instead of dealing with my problems, but I don't consider my issues with food to be a defect of my character. That's equating my eating problems with neglecting my family or being a jackass. How I handle food is nothing like that and I don't think that it is something that I should ask God to take away. Those of you who know me know that God is important in my life and that I'm a big believer in the Redemptive Gifts. As a Giver, one of my difficulties is that I can be manipulative, to the point of trying to manipulate God (which of course is ridiculous and never works). That would be a defect of character that I would pray about, not whether I eat too much ice cream in a sitting. Not to mention that I wouldn't pray for God to just take away a character flaw. More than likely, He won't do it anyway. Instead, He'll give me opportunities in which I could be manipulative and see if I don't. As much as I know God (which is very little), He's more about giving us the tools to use to help ourselves. We can ask for help and there are times when He will rescue us, but He wants us to do it ourselves. It's like that scene in Evan Almighty where God talks about opportunities. (clip at bottom of post) I just have a real issue with seeing this difficulty as a defect.

Instead of going to OA, I am going to try to employ the Mindful Eating approach. It basically says that you should take time to enjoy your food without distractions and appreciate the flavors, smells, and look of the food. There is no diet to go along with it and no steps or rules. It's just about eating when you are actually hungry, not at a certain time, and being mindful of what you put into your body. It seems to go along with my current plans better than OA, so I'm gonna try it out.

So here's the movie clip.

OA or no OA.....that is the question

So I haven't had a lot of things to talk about recently; hence the lack of posts. I even started this one four or five days ago and just didn't have enough to write about to post it.

Last week was emotionally draining; more so for my mom and her family than for me personally. Grandma's wake was last Wednesday and her funeral was Thursday. The wake was, I have to be honest, really boring. It was long and the only people that I knew were my mom's high school friends and some people from our old church. The funeral was, surprisingly, very nice. It was a Catholic service, but it wasn't long or boring and the priest talked casually and even made a few jokes. My cousin Laura gave the eulogy and it was beautiful. The worst part of it for me was that throughout the entire service, all I could think about was dad, especially when we had to sing "How Great Thou Art" because I could just hear him singing it.

The happier part of last week was that we had a cookout on Saturday, partly as a way to unwind from the week and partly to celebrate Paul and Lisa being in town. Paul is my mom's younger brother and he lives in Texas, so we only get to see him every few years or so. (recently it has always been for funerals) They stayed at our house for the week, which was really nice. Normally, I don't like having guys in the house because I have to be extra careful about being covered up and wearing a bra, but at the same time, it was kind of nice to have some masculine energy in the house. Normally, all we have in the house is a ton of estrogen, what with it being only mom and me here.

This week has been pretty boring. I have made an effort to get back on my healthy eating plan, which is easier said than done, especially when we still had leftovers in the house. Mom went grocery shopping today though, so we're back to the normal food of the house. One interesting thing that did come up this week was that my therapist suggested that I should try out an OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meeting. I told her about my blog and about one of my recent posts "There are days when I feel like a recovering addict" and she said that it might be a good idea to just try it out. I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it though. I have a difficult time opening up to complete strangers. It took me long enough to feel comfortable talking to my therapist Amy, and even then there are times when I can tell that I'm not opening up completely. So the prospect of sitting in a room of people and telling them my darkest food related secrets just scares the crap out of me. I can just picture myself sitting there, arms folded, listening to everyone else and not saying a word. The only nice thing is that the meetings are free, so I wouldn't be wasting money if I went. I don't know. I'll still have to think about it.