This is my upset face

It's just plain frustrating. I've been doing really well recently with my healthy eating and exercising plan. Last week, I worked out Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday (and Sunday of this week) and the only unhealthy thing that I ate was when I went to T.G.I. Fridays with Colleen and her cast after her show and got a chicken club sandwich with a side salad. My sandwich did end up coming with fries too, but I only had a few and gave the rest to one of Colleen's cast mates. I ordered the salad in an attempt to be healthy, even though I know that most salads in restaurants are more unhealthy than many of the traditionally unhealthy foods. But it was a small salad that had iceberg lettuce (which is nutritionally empty), tomatoes, cucumbers, some cabbage, croutons, and honey mustard dressing (I figured that it would be better then ranch). I drank water and didn't have dessert.

However, when I weighed myself this morning (as I do every Monday after I wake up), I had gained 3 pounds. I weighed myself last Friday because I wanted to see if the extra workouts were working and I was 244 and then today I was 247. I just don't understand how this happened. I could get it if I went on a binge or ate a lot of food at T.G.I.Fridays or didn't exercise, but I did everything I could and I still gained weight. The only thing that I could think of is (and I know that this is gross) that I'm constipated. That is the only explanation that I can think of. There is no way that I gained 3 pounds in 3 days while being healthy. A pound equals 3500 calories, so to have gained three pounds, I would have had to consume 10,500 calories, as well as any that I burned from exercising. And I know that the whole point of this is to get healthy, but I would really like to lose some weight too. I know that being 250lbs and 5'6" is just not healthy, even without going by the BMI scale. I don't expect to be 110lbs, but I'd like to be under 200. I was around 200lbs when I was in Germany and I felt good.

The only thing I can do is keep going and see if it gets better next week. Hopefully, I will have lost some weight. I worked out today and I plan to do it every day this week and see if that helps. Fingers crossed.....

And the winner is......

So I have made a decision. I am not going to go to an OA meeting. And before you go, "well you should at least try it before you dismiss it", let me explain why.

OA bases its program around the Twelve Steps, which were created originally for AA.

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The first and most important step is admitting that you are powerless over food and that you can't just "use more willpower" to get your life under control. And I have to admit, that while I do have an unhealthy relationship with food, I am not powerless over it. I can eat really healthy and in small portions when I try and I set myself up to succeed. My biggest problems are that I'm lazy and I tend to eat my emotions. I'll eat when I'm bored, depressed, angry, and even happy. There are those out there who claim that all fat people are just lazy and if they just got up off their fat asses, they could lose the weight and be healthy. Clearly, this is not true in many cases. Unhealthy weight is the result of so many factors including medications, metabolism, and genetics. But to a certain extent (and only a certain extent) it is true for me. I am a lazy person in all aspects of my life. I would much rather do nothing than get up and work out.......or do homework......or clean my room. Not to mention that I'm not a fan of sweating. I know that most people aren't, but I inherited my father's lovely ability to sweat like there's no tomorrow. Even when I just walk, I will sweat. So the prospect of working out and feeling like I just came out of a shower of sweat is not appealing.

The other thing that puts me off about going to OA is that, while they claim to not be religiously affiliated, they talk about asking God to remove all defects of our character. I think that I have learned poor eating habits and that I have used food to cope instead of dealing with my problems, but I don't consider my issues with food to be a defect of my character. That's equating my eating problems with neglecting my family or being a jackass. How I handle food is nothing like that and I don't think that it is something that I should ask God to take away. Those of you who know me know that God is important in my life and that I'm a big believer in the Redemptive Gifts. As a Giver, one of my difficulties is that I can be manipulative, to the point of trying to manipulate God (which of course is ridiculous and never works). That would be a defect of character that I would pray about, not whether I eat too much ice cream in a sitting. Not to mention that I wouldn't pray for God to just take away a character flaw. More than likely, He won't do it anyway. Instead, He'll give me opportunities in which I could be manipulative and see if I don't. As much as I know God (which is very little), He's more about giving us the tools to use to help ourselves. We can ask for help and there are times when He will rescue us, but He wants us to do it ourselves. It's like that scene in Evan Almighty where God talks about opportunities. (clip at bottom of post) I just have a real issue with seeing this difficulty as a defect.

Instead of going to OA, I am going to try to employ the Mindful Eating approach. It basically says that you should take time to enjoy your food without distractions and appreciate the flavors, smells, and look of the food. There is no diet to go along with it and no steps or rules. It's just about eating when you are actually hungry, not at a certain time, and being mindful of what you put into your body. It seems to go along with my current plans better than OA, so I'm gonna try it out.

So here's the movie clip.

OA or no OA.....that is the question

So I haven't had a lot of things to talk about recently; hence the lack of posts. I even started this one four or five days ago and just didn't have enough to write about to post it.

Last week was emotionally draining; more so for my mom and her family than for me personally. Grandma's wake was last Wednesday and her funeral was Thursday. The wake was, I have to be honest, really boring. It was long and the only people that I knew were my mom's high school friends and some people from our old church. The funeral was, surprisingly, very nice. It was a Catholic service, but it wasn't long or boring and the priest talked casually and even made a few jokes. My cousin Laura gave the eulogy and it was beautiful. The worst part of it for me was that throughout the entire service, all I could think about was dad, especially when we had to sing "How Great Thou Art" because I could just hear him singing it.

The happier part of last week was that we had a cookout on Saturday, partly as a way to unwind from the week and partly to celebrate Paul and Lisa being in town. Paul is my mom's younger brother and he lives in Texas, so we only get to see him every few years or so. (recently it has always been for funerals) They stayed at our house for the week, which was really nice. Normally, I don't like having guys in the house because I have to be extra careful about being covered up and wearing a bra, but at the same time, it was kind of nice to have some masculine energy in the house. Normally, all we have in the house is a ton of estrogen, what with it being only mom and me here.

This week has been pretty boring. I have made an effort to get back on my healthy eating plan, which is easier said than done, especially when we still had leftovers in the house. Mom went grocery shopping today though, so we're back to the normal food of the house. One interesting thing that did come up this week was that my therapist suggested that I should try out an OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meeting. I told her about my blog and about one of my recent posts "There are days when I feel like a recovering addict" and she said that it might be a good idea to just try it out. I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it though. I have a difficult time opening up to complete strangers. It took me long enough to feel comfortable talking to my therapist Amy, and even then there are times when I can tell that I'm not opening up completely. So the prospect of sitting in a room of people and telling them my darkest food related secrets just scares the crap out of me. I can just picture myself sitting there, arms folded, listening to everyone else and not saying a word. The only nice thing is that the meetings are free, so I wouldn't be wasting money if I went. I don't know. I'll still have to think about it.

Another hurdle to jump

So as those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know, my maternal grandmother died on Saturday between 9:30 and 10:00pm. It was, of course, sad, but not unexpected. Grandma had been suffering from vascular dementia, which is essentially Alzheimer's. It has all the symptoms of Alzheimer's, but is supposedly accompanied by mini strokes in the brain that lead to the cell death. She had been deteriorating rapidly these past few weeks, both mentally and physically. The person that was Grandma had been gone for a long time before she actually died, so in some ways, it was a blessing that she passed. Not to mention that she died peacefully on a morphine drip and most likely in her sleep. I'll miss her, but I'm glad that she's not suffering anymore.

What has actually been more difficult this weekend is that I was surrounded by death. I went to the memorial service of one of my college friend's dad on Saturday, found out that Grandma died that night, and then Sunday was Father's Day. Let's just say that all of this has not been good for my eating and exercise plans.

Actually, the memorial service was nice. It was basically a big cookout (minus the grill) celebrating the life of my friend's dad and being there to support the family. It kind of reminded me of Dad's funeral in that it was a sad occasion, but the atmosphere wasn't solemn and stoic; it was nostalgic and supportive. The only thing that got to me was that I thought about how unimaginable it would be to lose both parents in the span of nine months. It made me very grateful that I still have Mom around. She's too feisty to die any time soon. ;)

Father's Day was tough this year. This is the second Father's Day without Dad and you would think that the first year would be the hardest, but it wasn't. Colleen and I went to the grave last year, which didn't have a grave marker yet, so we sat in the general area. It was nice. We listened to Simon and Garfunkel on the way down (it always reminds us both of Dad) and spent some time there before going home.
It just hit me harder this year. That's the way grief goes. You never know when it's going to hit and what is going to trigger it. That's what sucks so much about it.

So needless to say, my healthy eating plan has fallen by the wayside for the past few days. I ate way too much at the memorial service, followed by smores at my cousin's house and then Chinese food on Sunday. Unfortunately, but not unexpectedly, I gained two pounds. I'm glad that I didn't gain back all of the weight I lost, but I did gain back half of it. It's a bit disheartening because it feels like I'm going back to square one and that all the effort I have put in for the last few weeks was all for nothing. I know that that is not true, but that's what it feels like.

I got back on track yesterday and I'm gonna try to be as good as I can over the next week, though it's going to be difficult. At least I know that I won't be emotionally eating because of the loss. I'm sad that Grandma is gone, but I'm not depressed. I'm happy that she lived a long, full life (she was either 84 or 85) and that she died peacefully. I know that she is in Heaven with Dad, so that is comforting. I also got to see her before she died, so I have no regrets. All I have to do is make sure that I don't go overboard with the food that will be at the "after party" and that I exercise when I can.

I'm just going to chalk this up to another hurdle that I have to overcome. Lord knows that I've had a lot of them in my 23 years of life and I'm still here. If what they say is true, that "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", then I must be Superman.

There are days when I feel like a recovering addict.

I really do. I should be on one of those shows about addiction like "Intervention" or "Celebrity Rehab". "Hello, my name is Anna and I am a food addict".

But in all seriousness, I really feel like an addict because I am. Although there are those out there that believe that there is no such thing as food addiction, I have to say that food addiction is as real and life consuming as drug or alcohol addiction. In fact, anything that causes the activation of the pleasure pathways can lead to an addiction, whether that be drugs, food, shopping, sex, etc. The DSM-IV criteria for addiction is answering yes to three of the seven questions below.

1. Tolerance. Has your use of drugs or alcohol increased over time?
2. Withdrawal. When you stop using, have you ever experienced physical or emotional withdrawal? Have you had any of the following symptoms: irritability, anxiety, shakes, sweats, nausea, or vomiting?
3. Difficulty controlling your use. Do you sometimes use more or for a longer time than you would like? Do you sometimes drink to get drunk? Do you stop after a few drink usually, or does one drink lead to more drinks?
4. Negative consequences. Have you continued to use even though there have been negative consequences to your mood, self-esteem, health, job, or family?
5. Neglecting or postponing activities. Have you ever put off or reduced social, recreational, work, or household activities because of your use?
6. Spending significant time or emotional energy. Have you spent a significant amount of time obtaining, using, concealing, planning, or recovering from your use? Have you spend a lot of time thinking about using? Have you ever concealed or minimized your use? Have you ever thought of schemes to avoid getting caught?
7. Desire to cut down. Have you sometimes thought about cutting down or controlling your use? Have you ever made unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control your use?

Now replace "drug" and "alcohol" with food. That is food addiction. And let me tell you, I am definitely a food addict. Let's look at it in detail.

1. Strange as it sounds, I have a tolerance for food. I have eaten so much food every day that when I consume only as much as the average person should eat, I get hungry quickly. My body actually needs to have more food than the average person to feel full.
2. Now, while I will not compare food withdrawal with drug withdrawal (cause withdrawal from drugs is insane - vomiting, headaches, shakes, anxiety, etc.......not fun stuff), I will say that when I go without something sweet for a day, I get fidgety and start searching for anything even remotely sweet to satisfy myself.
3. Difficulty controlling my use? Well that's a huge "No duh!!" I usually eat even when I'm not hungry and I have a hard time not going on a junk food binge.
4. I think the negative consequences are pretty obvious. Food addiction leads to weight gain, which in turn leads to low self esteem and often low mood. Not to mention the obvious consequences to your health.
5. Now while I have never neglected an activity or obligation because of food, I have let the fact that I could not fit into any of my nice clothes stop me from going to my cousin's bachelorette party. So in a way, this could be a yes.
6. This is the big one! This is where food addiction, at least for me, has the closest connection to drug/alcohol addiction. I think about food all the time. Far more often than I should. And when I have a craving, that food is all I think about. I remember a few months ago when I was really bad in it and I had cravings for doughnuts all the time, especially the ones from Weis. (They have surprisingly good doughnuts) I used to go to the store just to buy them, but I would use cash so that I could just throw away the receipt and no one would have to know that I bought them. (My mom was reimbursing me for food shopping at the time, so I would give her the receipt if I went shopping and used my debit card.) I would also use the self check-out line so that the cashier wouldn't judge me for buying six doughnuts. When I got home, I would hide them in a cupboard in the kitchen so that no one would find them. After I ate them, and yes, I would eat all of them in one sitting, I would throw out the bag in either my own trashcan or hide it under other garbage in the kitchen trashcan. That way, no one would know what I did or criticize me for it. I know......that's a lot of energy going into just eating doughnuts. But that was part of my addiction.
7. I think this blog is the answer to this question.

So while I might not outright answer yes to every question, you can at least see how it can be done. Yet, people still want to say that there is no such thing. Bull!
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So the reason that I'm writing this post in the first place is because I fell off the proverbial wagon today. I went food shopping (since I have nothing else to do with my time) and I had a really strong craving for a doughnut. (one of my many Achilles heels) I have been really good about just passing by the bakery section in past trips to the store and buying my low fat Weight Watchers ice cream bars instead. (I can eat one and suck on the Popsicle stick for a few hours, which stops me from eating) But today was bad and I decided to give in. Granted, I only let myself buy two, but two is more than I should be eating. I found myself eating both in the same sitting and hiding the evidence like I used to do. I felt bad after I ate them, but then I did something that I've never done after eating doughnuts.............I didn't binge on more junk food and I exercised.

In the past, I would have seen the doughnut eating as failure and thrown in the towel. There is this mentality of "Well, I already screwed up. I might as well just eat stuff that's bad for me and start again next week." Of course, next week always turns into the 1st of the month, which turns into next semester, which turns into next year, which never happens. (See the viscous cycle?) But this time, I ate the doughnuts, went about my day, and walked on the treadmill before dinner. Granted, I still felt bad, but I didn't spiral.

So I guess I'm a recovering addict. I may never be able to kick the habit entirely like other addicts can (there is that whole needing to eat to live thing), but I am slowly learning how to manage.

Will wonders never cease

So after my last entry, I got quite a few comments and suggestions regarding vegetables. How to cook them, what flavors go best with them, etc. Well, I went online to Foodnetwork.com and found a few recipes to try and last night, I decided to make a few of them. I made Dijon-tarragon chicken breast, broccoli and cheese mashed potatoes, and garlic roasted green beans with shallot and hazelnuts.

First, let me just say that cooking more than one dish at a time was not a smart idea. I have yet to master timing everything so that it all finishes together and yesterday was no exception. I started with the mashed potatoes because I thought that they would take the longest, then started the chicken while the potatoes cooked, and prepped the green beans while everything else was cooking since they were really easy to make. But in terms of my previous attempts at multitasking, it was not too bad. The chicken and green beans were done within a few minutes of each other. It was only the potatoes that had to be reheated a bit.

So I'm sure that those of you who have read my blog until now know how I hate vegetables and how apprehensive I was about trying them again, but I have good news. I liked both of the vegetable dishes that I made last night! It was shocking to me too! I had a feeling that I wouldn't mind the broccoli because it is mixed with potatoes and cheese, so the flavor is at least muddled, but I was not expecting to like the green beans. Despite some flavoring, they were completely alone on the plate with nothing to hide the taste. Plus, I have had a taste aversion to them every since I was a young teenager and threw up after eating green beans. The only difference between those green beans and the ones from last night was that the old ones were canned and last night's were fresh and roasted. Big plus! Not to mention that I roasted them with shallots, garlic, and olive oil and then added lemon zest and hazelnuts after they cooked. Not to sound like a food critic, but the lemon really brightened up the flavor.

I have to say that it was weird for me to take that first bite of green bean and say, "Wow, that's good!" I had to take a step back and ask if I really just said that. I never thought in a million years that you could not only get me to eat green beans, but actually like them! I know Dad must have been shocked. He was probably just staring down at me, jaw dropped in amazement. Especially since he and I always butted heads when it came to eating vegetables. Mom said that he probably would have loved them too, just like she did. She actually did her happy dance when she tasted them. Always a good sign.

So I have decided to definitely keep those recipes and try some more out in the next few weeks. Who would have thought that a girl who hates change as much as I do would be willing to experiment with foods she previously hated? It must be a sign of growth. (Lord knows I've done a heck of a lot of it over the last two years!)

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I am also happy to report that I am down to 245.5lbs after four weeks (aka 4.5 lbs), so I am right on schedule with the weight loss.


Here are the recipes I made last night if you guys want to try them for yourselves.
     *Note, I added extra lemon zest to the green beans than what it calls for. I just did one zest line all the way around the lemon.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/dijon-tarragon-chicken-breasts-recipe/index.html
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/bobby-flay/garlic-roasted-green-beans-with-shallots-and-hazelnuts-recipe/index.html
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/broccoli-and-cheese-smashed-potatoes-recipe/index.html

I have awesome friends/family

I haven't even had this blog up for a week and I have gotten such a response from it. My Facebook post with the link has 5 Likes and 5 comments (not including my responses). I even got a text from my cousin Karen and a message from an old friend Jessica.

All of the comments and messages have been very encouraging too. People have even offered suggestions for my (apparently obvious) disdain of vegetables, including variety and cooking them in different ways. I'd be willing to try it, though to be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how well it's going to work. When I was a kid, I had to cover up my vegetables up so that I couldn't taste them at all. I would eat zucchini and yellow squash with a mountain of Parmesan cheese on top. And I realize that our taste buds change every 7 years or so, or so they say. And I have seen this with some things. I still like zucchini with Parmesan cheese, but now it's just a dusting of cheese and not an avalanche. I also like tomatoes now too. Granted they still need to be on something like a sandwich or burger, but I won't pick them off like I used to do. That was thanks to Germany. (Yes, something good did come out of that trip - surprisingly enough) There was this bakery right down the street from the American Junior Year center on Hauptstrasse that had such good food. Of course, being a bread fiend like I am, it was an obvious place to go for lunch. Not to mention that it was cheap and I was on a budget. They had goodies like doughnuts and croissants, but they also had sandwiches and personal pizzas. There was one sandwich that had fresh mozzarella and tomatoes on it. At first, I would pick off the tomatoes and just eat the mozzarella. (I know, cheese and bread - not exactly healthy but not a surprise that I would eat it) Then I realized that I was paying 1.99 Euro for this sandwich, which was one of the most expensive things at the bakery, and I was only eating half of it. So one day, I tried it altogether and found out that it wasn't too bad. That is when I started eating tomatoes.

So long story short (too late!), while I have grown to like certain vegetables, I am sceptical about liking those notorious green vegetables like broccoli and green beans. I'll give it a try though. What could it hurt? There are already so many things I have done over the past year and a half that were "if I can do this, I can do anything" moments, so eating more vegetables shouldn't be a problem.

And I want to thank all of you who have made comments about this blog either on FB or here in the comments section. I really appreciate the support and hope that you continue following me on my journey. I can't do it without the support of my friends and family and it seems like I've got great friends and family, so I'm set. Thanks guys and gals! :)



And in honor of eating more vegetables, here is a blast from the past. Anyone remember this?