As I believe that I've mentioned on here before, though it has been a long time since I posted anything and I tend to forget what I've previously written, I have joined a site called My Fitness Pal. It's basically an online food and exercise journal that helps you keep track of things like calories, fat, sugar, salt, and carbs. I've been a member for a few months now and until recently, I have just been using it as a food/fitness journal. It is a way for me to manage what I'm eating and how much. However, the site is also like a dieter's Facebook because you can make friends on the site, track each other's progress, create a blog, and use the message boards.
This past week, I decided to try to friend my mother, who is also using the site, so that we could support each other. Once I found her, I found all the other people that I know, in real life mind you, and I friended them as well. Then I started going on the message boards and checking out some posts. I replied to a few and even had a girl that I gave advice to friend me. It's been kind of nice.
But I have to say that I noticed something interesting the more that I read other people's posts. There were more than a few times that I found myself thinking. "Wow, that used to be me" or "I used to think like that too". Posts such as using a "before" photo hung to the fridge to give me motivation to work out or not eat or posts about feeling like shit and saying "screw it!" when I accidentally go on a binge, or posts focused on how much weight has been lost and the fact that it's not coming off quickly enough. And each time I read posts like that, I found myself thinking "Yeah, but that's not me anymore." or "I'm so glad that I stopped doing/thinking that". Now, obviously, I'm still human, and I still have to deal with negative self talk and the looming obsession of weight. I mean, just two weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist Amy about how I was starting to weigh myself everyday and that I had to stop doing it. She suggested putting the scale under the sink until Monday, when I weekly weigh myself. A great plan, I should add, for anyone struggling with this.
Anyway, it was really interesting to kind of be on the other side of things. Yes, I'm trying to lose weight and yes, I have a lot of the same failings as the other people on the site, BUT the way I see things has changed so much. Every other time that I've tried to lose weight, I was doing just that...losing weight. I was only concerned with the number on the scale and not how I felt or how I got to that number. Now, I am trying to get healthy and one of the perks of that is that I will naturally lose weight. My body knows what weight it wants to be at and as long as I'm not interfering with that by eating crap, then that is what will happen.It will go to that weight. Not to mention the exercise will help with that.
But I think the biggest thing that struck me is the way that a lot of people are thinking about the whole process and how it differs from mine. Like the girl who put her before photo on her fridge to encourage her. She posted "...But when I looked at my before pictures I felt ill. So much so that I printed that nasty photo and put it on my fridge. I look at it everyone I wasn't to eat. It helps me visualize what I am working so hard for therefore I make smarter food choices". After I read that, I felt so bad for her. She obviously has severe body and self esteem issues, so much so that she gets sick when she looks at herself. And to be honest, I've tried a similar approach to stop eating. No, I did not hate myself to the point that I got sick when I saw myself. Thank God, I have never felt that way before. But I did once put "fat pictures" of myself and other women on the fridge and pantry to stop myself from going in and eating. I thought that it was positive reinforcement, but it was actually self sabotage. I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough the way that I am and that food was off limits. That just made me binge more and led to a downward spiral.
I feel like now, I have more of a mature grip on this part of my life. Maybe it comes from growing up, maybe from all the trial and error that I've had in trying to lose weight for a good chunk of my life, or maybe from learning about myself in therapy. I don't know. But I really feel like now I am doing this in the right way with the right motivation and, most days, in the right frame of mind. I love myself, whether I'm fat or thin, and even if I was skinny one day, I would still be me. Yes, I want to be healthier, but that doesn't mean that while I'm in the process of getting there that I'm nasty or ugly. I'm me.....at 250lbs or 150lbs. Plus, weight is such a small part of health. It's not the end all be all. It's like judging someones intelligence just by their SAT score. It only shows a small portion of the overall whole. Check out this link if you don't believe me: Lower Weight Doesn't Mean Better Health
And honestly, this journey is a lifelong one. Even when, not if, when, I get to a healthy state and weight, I'm going to have to work to maintain it for the rest of my life. So the key for me and everyone else out there on this type of journey is to find out what works and stick with that. And realize that failure is inevitable. You will eat the wrong thing or not work out one day and that is fine. It's all about if you get up the next day and keep going. And don't be so hard on yourself. I posted this picture on one of the message boards and it has helped me a lot when I start criticizing myself. I hope it will help other people out there too.
you are one of my heroes!!
ReplyDelete