Getting back on the horse.....again

Well, here we go again.... Every six weeks or so, I lose all motivation to do this. I don't want to have to eat healthy or exercise; I just want to be done. I want to eat whatever I want without thinking about calories or sugar or salt or anything else. I don't want to have to wake up early to work out or feel guilty when I don't do it. So I fall of the wagon and I fall hard. Think....the bad guy at the end of A Knight's Tale.

About three weeks ago, it happened again. And it was bad. I honestly felt like an addict. I went on a late night binge where I ate with no reason behind it. I wasn't hungry, or craving anything, or bored, or sad, or anything. I just kept eating. And then I went on vacation, followed shortly after by a wedding, both of which, needless to say, made eating well challenging if not impossible. The one upside being that during vacation, I got a lot of inadvertent exercise by swimming and walking on the boardwalk.

So now, I'm trying to get back on the horse. (No pun intended with the video and everything) I'm trying to work out at least twice a week, even if it's for ten minutes. I just need to get up and do it. And I'm trying to eat better. It's been really nice recently because my mom has been cooking, so I don't have to. Not to mention that the food tastes good and is low calorie. But I may try out some recipes myself soon.

So here we go,  Take 1,765,324.



Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
-Samuel Beckett 

Fat but not Happy

So I know that I haven't posted in awhile and I should start off with an update on my life and food/exercise plan, but there is something that I have to get off of my chest first.

As you all know, the G8 Summit was held at Camp David this year and because Thurmont is the closest town to it, we had protestors. I don't want to go into too much detail, but on that Saturday, Mom and I went out to see all the protestors and live this piece of history. Well, let's just say that we got ourselves involved in a passionate debate with some protestors. Needless to say, people gathered around us to watch. It wasn't until I was telling the story to my sister's boyfriend that I thought that there might be a video of us on YouTube. Well, I did some checking, and while most of the videos are about the Ethiopians (4 buses of people tend to draw some attention), there is one video that has a small snip-it of our debate. And before you ask, no, I will not be posting the link here. After watching the video, I looked at the comments to see what people thought, and although there were not very many comments, a few of the ones that were there really affected me. One person wrote, "the fat girls bitching about raping. LOL i doubt someone would want to rape them!" and another wrote, "That overweight drama victim's rant about rape was painful to watch.". Now I realize that whoever wrote the first comment is a pig and a clear example of the rape culture that is a part of our country so I should dismiss anything that he/she says, but these two comments have one thing in common: "that fat/overweight girl".

Now I'm not stupid. I know that I am fat. I'm 233lbs and most of that is not muscle. I wear a size 14/16 in clothes and I jiggle when I walk. I have been like this for about half of my life. And most days, I own it. "Yeah, I'm fat. So what?" But something about reading it in print, albeit online, just struck a nerve. In my head, I realize that people look at me and see a fat girl. I mean, that's the first thing I think of when someone closes me on eHarmony. "Yeah, I don't want to date her. She's fat." (And yes, I know that that is just my insecurity talking. It's not always the case.) But I guess somewhere in the back of your mind, you just hold on to this shred of hope that people don't see you like that. Also, and it's hard to explain, but on a day to day basis, I don't think that I'm that fat. I know that I am big, but I don't really realize it until I see it in pictures or something like that. My mind kind of dissociate me from my size. I guess it's because I'm on the inside looking out. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone but me, but that's how I feel. So when I read those comments, they really hurt, mostly because that is how I am identified in the world. I'm not "that girl bitching", I'm "that fat girl bitching". It's like, now that it's out there in the world, it's real. It's true. I'm fat, and not in the "I own it" way, but in the "You're disgusting" way. And it hurts.

I know that I shouldn't care what other people think and that it's what's on the inside that counts and that "no one can make me feel inferior without my consent", but to quote a different source, "but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding". It's amazing how you can go from feeling so on top to suddenly crashing down. I mean, earlier today, I felt great! I got in a tough, but excellent workout and although it was a cheat day for food, I didn't go that overboard. I've been losing weight and feeling stronger, but in that one instant of reading those comments, it all became null and void.




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Well, I hope my next post is on a happier note. Also, I'm going to try, and I mean try, to post more often. I think having this blog really helps me.

How Times Have Changed

There are moments in my life when I think about just how much I've changed and grown. And, yes, I realize that this blog is supposed to be about my continuing journey to getting healthy, but that doesn't just mean bodily health. I want to be healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically.

As I believe that I've mentioned on here before, though it has been a long time since I posted anything and I tend to forget what I've previously written, I have joined a site called My Fitness Pal. It's basically an online food and exercise journal that helps you keep track of things like calories, fat, sugar, salt, and carbs. I've been a member for a few months now and until recently, I have just been using it as a food/fitness journal. It is a way for me to manage what I'm eating and how much. However, the site is also like a dieter's Facebook because you can make friends on the site, track each other's progress, create a blog, and use the message boards.

This past week, I decided to try to friend my mother, who is also using the site, so that we could support each other. Once I found her, I found all the other people that I know, in real life mind you, and I friended them as well. Then I started going on the message boards and checking out some posts. I replied to a few and even had a girl that I gave advice to friend me. It's been kind of nice.

But I have to say that I noticed something interesting the more that I read other people's posts. There were more than a few times that I found myself thinking. "Wow, that used to be me" or "I used to think like that too". Posts such as using a "before" photo hung to the fridge to give me motivation to work out or not eat or posts about feeling like shit and saying "screw it!" when I accidentally go on a binge, or posts focused on how much weight has been lost and the fact that it's not coming off quickly enough. And each time I read posts like that, I found myself thinking "Yeah, but that's not me anymore." or "I'm so glad that I stopped doing/thinking that". Now, obviously, I'm still human, and I still have to deal with negative self talk and the looming obsession of weight. I mean, just two weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist Amy about how I was starting to weigh myself everyday and that I had to stop doing it. She suggested putting the scale under the sink until Monday, when I weekly weigh myself. A great plan, I should add, for anyone struggling with this.

Anyway, it was really interesting to kind of be on the other side of things. Yes, I'm trying to lose weight and yes, I have a lot of the same failings as the other people on the site, BUT the way I see things has changed so much. Every other time that I've tried to lose weight, I was doing just that...losing weight. I was only concerned with the number on the scale and not how I felt or how I got to that number. Now, I am trying to get healthy and one of the perks of that is that I will naturally lose weight. My body knows what weight it wants to be at and as long as I'm not interfering with that by eating crap, then that is what will happen.It will go to that weight. Not to mention the exercise will help with that.

But I think the biggest thing that struck me is the way that a lot of people are thinking about the whole process and how it differs from mine. Like the girl who put her before photo on her fridge to encourage her. She posted "...But when I looked at my before pictures I felt ill. So much so that I printed that nasty photo and put it on my fridge. I look at it everyone I wasn't to eat. It helps me visualize what I am working so hard for therefore I make smarter food choices". After I read that, I felt so bad for her. She obviously has severe body and self esteem issues, so much so that she gets sick when she looks at herself. And to be honest, I've tried a similar approach to stop eating. No, I did not hate myself to the point that I got sick when I saw myself. Thank God, I have never felt that way before. But I did once put "fat pictures" of myself and other women on the fridge and pantry to stop myself from going in and eating. I thought that it was positive reinforcement, but it was actually self sabotage. I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough the way that I am and that food was off limits. That just made me binge more and led to a downward spiral.

I feel like now, I have more of a mature grip on this part of my life. Maybe it comes from growing up, maybe from all the trial and error that I've had in trying to lose weight for a good chunk of my life, or maybe from learning about myself in therapy. I don't know. But I really feel like now I am doing this in the right way with the right motivation and, most days, in the right frame of mind. I love myself, whether I'm fat or thin, and even if I was skinny one day, I would still be me. Yes, I want to be healthier, but that doesn't mean that while I'm in the process of getting there that I'm nasty or ugly. I'm me.....at 250lbs or 150lbs. Plus, weight is such a small part of health. It's not the end all be all. It's like judging someones intelligence just by their SAT score. It only shows a small portion of the overall whole. Check out this link if you don't believe me: Lower Weight Doesn't Mean Better Health

And honestly, this journey is a lifelong one. Even when, not if, when, I get to a healthy state and weight, I'm going to have to work to maintain it for the rest of my life. So the key for me and everyone else out there on this type of journey is to find out what works and stick with that. And realize that failure is inevitable. You will eat the wrong thing or not work out one day and that is fine. It's all about if you get up the next day and keep going. And don't be so hard on yourself. I posted this picture on one of the message boards and it has helped me a lot when I start criticizing myself. I hope it will help other people out there too.

Everything changes

Wow! So I haven't posted since the semester began and boy have things changed! In order to get through it all, I think that I'll break it up a bit.


1. Work: Well there have been quite a few changes at work. We only have a staff of three now, after one of the sales leaders left for a full time position. I was sad to see her go, but happy that she is able to make the money that she needs to support her family. Not to mention that I have taken over her hours. That's right, I have finally been getting hours. 29 in fact, both this past week and this upcoming week. It's been awesome!! Also, I have been promoted to a key holder! That means that I am a sales leader now. I can officially open and close the store and make executive decisions without having to run it through someone else. I have also been put in charge of ordering supplies for the store when needed. It's been nice since I've basically be doing all this already, but now I get the title to go with it. Oh, and the pay raise....that's pretty nice too.


2. School: So school has been quite a whirlwind. There's really too much to talk about here and, to be honest, I don't really want to talk about it here. But the short version is that I am no longer going to college. I don't have, what mom calls, the "grace" to do it anymore. I have the credit hours that I finished, which is at least more than an associate's, but I won't get the bachelor's or the teaching certificate. I'll admit, it was hard to make the decision. I struggled with it and, to some degree, I still struggle. But it's been a few weeks, and I'm starting to feel good. I know that it was the right choice.


And what this blog is really about...
3. Food and Exercise: As with pretty much everyone in America, the holidays were not a good time for getting and staying healthy. There's so much food and goodies that overeating is almost inevitable. I have to say that even though I wasn't good this year, I didn't go as overboard as I have in years past. I only gained back 3 pounds or so, so I am still 10 lighter than when I first started. And needless to say, exercise has basically gone by the wayside. I didn't walk or do any strength training.


Now that it's a new year, I've started getting back on track. Although I didn't make an official New Year's Resolution, mostly because I think that they are stupid and almost no one sticks to them, I did decide to get back into getting healthy. So I started packing my lunch to work and trying to cut back on sweets. The only overtly sweet thing in the house is a bag of individually wrapped Dove dark chocolate. That way, I can satisfy my sweet tooth and still be healthy. (Dark chocolate is supposed to actually be good for you due to the flavanols in it. Some claim that it helps lower blood pressure) And as I've always said, even if chocolate is unhealthy, it helps me feel better, so it's good for my mental health. :)


I also bought some workout DVDs on Amazon. They were cheap and claimed to be for beginners, so I thought that I'd give it a shot. I'm trying to vary my workout routine so that I don't get bored. Also, I want to be able to get a workout in even when I don't have much time, so two of the DVDs are 10 minute workouts. And before you say that you can't possibly work out for 10 minutes and get any results, try it. The 10 minute dance workout kicked my butt! It was more intense than the 30 minute interval walking workout that I had been using last year.


I have to say that I like two of the three videos. I got a Walk a Mile DVD that is really nice. It has a 5 minute warmup, 5 different miles to choose from, and a 5 minute cool down/stretch. It's really nice! You walk a mile, but she varies it from walking in place, to side steps, to kicks, to knee lifts. That makes it a little more exciting than just walking. And the mile only takes about 15 minutes (which is coincidentally, how long it took me to "run" the mile in middle school) Plus the lady in the video is nice and encouraging, without beating it into you. I always hate it when fit people on workout videos keep pushing you, claiming that it is easy. There are some that even claim that if they can do it, then I should be able to. News Flash: I'm overweight, unhealthy, and have no stamina. You are in shape, most likely healthy, and have built up endurance. Don't try to claim that I can do what you can. If I could, I wouldn't be using your videos. You have to be able to take people where they are and push them just enough to get them to go further, not expect that they can run after having been sedentary for years. Anyway, I would highly recommend her video for anyone that wants to get in shape gradually and hates to workout (like me). It's just walking. I'm planning on getting some more of her DVDs soon.


The other video that I like is the dance workout. There are a million of them out there, but this one is for 10 minutes and is for beginners. I've only done the first two workouts (it provides 5) and the first one was fun, while the second one was too advanced. It had hip hop moves that I just can't do, let alone to the beat that they want me to do it to. The more that I try to dance, the more that I realize just how much of my father's rhythm I inherited and just how white I truly am. It's bad. That's one of many reasons why I won't go to Zumba. I don't think that I could keep up, but more importantly, no one is allowed to see me "dance" (and I use that term loosely). It's a scary sight to see. But thankfully, I do it in the basement, so I can be alone in my awkwardness. Hopefully the rest of the dances are fun. I'll keep you posted.


The only video that I don't like, although I've only done one routine off of it, is the strength training DVD. It's another 10 minute workout (I believe they are from the same series) but I don't like it. The lady goes through the moves way too quickly and doesn't explain very well how to do them. That's a pretty big deal considering that you can mess up your muscles if you do certain exercises incorrectly. With the walking DVD, there is no way for me to screw up. Same with the dance video. I may not be graceful, but if I do it wrong, I can't hurt myself...just my pride ;)  Also, the lady has you in positions that require amazing balance. That may be all well and good for the girl in the video, but I have boobs and a stomach which can't be counterbalanced by my butt, no matter how big it is for a white girl. I also have almost no core muscles. That's part of the reason that I'm exercising in the first place...to build up strength. Needless to say, I started doing the exercises and kept falling over. So I will be working my way up to that DVD.




Well I guess that is a good enough update. I'm going to try to update more frequently, now that I have time again. Oh, and here are the DVDs in case anyone is interested.
Walking DVD
Dance DVD
Strength Training DVD