In the middle of the night....I go walking to my fridge

Thank you Billy Joel for the title inspiration. :)

Well, I've been working with this new diet (and I use that word with its actual definition attached) for a few weeks now, and I have to say that I've made some progress. It's a multi-layered process that starts with determining if I'm stomach hungry or mouth hungry. Basically, do I want to eat because I am actually hungry and need sustenance or because I am reacting to something else?

It's a lot more difficult to determine than you might think. I mean, I know when I'm having a craving. It's almost always something ridiculously unhealthy and I want it in that moment so badly that I have to have it. I obsess over it until I get it and usually feel bad after having it (although that's a whole other issue) But just the act of determining where my "hunger" is stemming from is harder to do.

But I think I've more or less figured it out. It's not 100% accurate all of the time, but I can usually tell when I'm actually hungry. It's sounds so silly to even type that sentence. Knowing if you're hungry or not should be one of the easiest things to do. In fact, it should just come naturally. Either I'm hungry or I'm not. Simple. End of story. But I haven't actually listened to my body and its needs for a long time and the less that you "check in", the more faint the signals get. So that's what I've been doing: "checking in". Every time that I want to eat, I ask myself "Am I actually hungry?" and wait for an answer. Sometimes, I get a very definitive answer, like my stomach will growl, but other times, I have to really try to figure it out.

Now this doesn't mean that I am always able to stop myself from eating even when I do determine that I am mouth hungry. But, as my therapist has to remind me, listening to your body, "checking in", and figuring out what is going on is Step 1. Stopping yourself from eating is the advanced course. So I have to remind the perfectionist in me that I am doing well and making progress, even if I'm not as far along as I want to be.

Because this is the thing that bugs me and is the reason for the title of this post: I am pretty good at listening to my body throughout the day. I can usually tell what type of hunger I'm experiencing and even pack a healthy lunch and snack for work to get me through the day. When I get home, I have a nice dinner and a little dessert. I feel satisfied and proud of the choices that I've made that day. I'm even making progress in not using food as a way of soothing myself.
But at night, usually after 9pm, I tend to sabotage myself. I get hungry again and a little snack turns into a few snacks/what may constitute a meal or I just find myself in the kitchen looking for something to eat. And the thing is, sometimes it's difficult to tell why. There is no direct underlying emotion to trigger the urge. I'm not bored or tired or lonely or anything. I just want to eat. Some of it may stem from old habits (they die hard apparently), but I don't know. I've tried just staying out of the kitchen with little success.

It's so frustrating! And it brings up the whole "Well, I've just screwed up this day. All that work for nothing" mental dialogue that makes me want to just throw in the towel. Once again, this comes from the "all or nothing" mentality of my perfectionist side that is incredibly difficult to change. It honestly feels like if I could get my nighttime eating under control, I would be fine. I know there are many parts that go into making this problem, but it seems like this part is the main problem at the moment. Get this together and we're good.

So I still have a lot to work on, but it is a process. Onward and upward.

Old Habits Die Hard

You know, when you've done something for 20-some odd years, it's really hard to change it. Not impossible. Just very, very difficult.

Which is, of course, what I'm dealing with trying to change my eating habits. I'm trying really hard to only eat when I'm hungry and not bored, or stressed, or anxious, or sad or whatever. But I'm failing.

And I know that this is part of the problem itself: seeing it as failing. I've used food to cope for most of my life, so trying to change a habit of about two decades is going to take some time. Not to mention that this is a whole new way of approaching things and there's going to be some trial and error. And that's ok. I'm on a journey after all. It doesn't have to be perfect; I just have to move forward in the direction that I want to go. But, like my relationship with food, my tendency to be hard on myself and want things to be perfect is an old habit and difficult to break.

So I guess a better term is that I'm struggling or that there have been several errors during this trial.
I'm usually pretty good during the day. I have breakfast before work, pack my lunch, and have a small snack packed for either before or after lunch, depending on when I need it. Then I get home and have dinner and a small dessert. All in all - great! The problem comes later in the evening. A few hours after dinner, I find myself going back to the kitchen for something else. Usually, it's something sweet, but not always. And then later, I go back again for a little more.
And I know that it has to stem from emotional eating. I'm not that hungry after dinner. If I am, it's when I have dinner early, so there is more time between when I eat dinner and when I go to bed. In those cases, I have a little something between dinner and bed and I'm fine. But those times are rare, as I usually don't get home from work until 6:30 or 7.

But it's not always easy to even figure out the cause of the emotional eating. What am I feeling? How can I dissipate the feeling without eating? Not to mention that sometimes, habit truly takes over. I get up, go to the kitchen, grab something, eat, and then realize what I just did.

*Sigh* I can tell already that this is going to be a long process.