So I haven't updated this thing in over a year. Yeah.... I could say that it was because I had a busy year, and to some extent, that's true, but mostly, I'm lazy and didn't feel like typing out a big, long, post. Let's be honest.
But, I've got the motivation to start writing again, so I'm going to go with it for as long as it lasts.
Last year, I was on track to getting healthy. I was exercising more, eating within my calorie limit, and losing weight. I was feeling pretty good. I definitely had my bad days and slip-ups, but overall, I was going strong. It didn't hurt that my sister got married last September and I was the Maid of Honor. Pretty good motivation for losing as much weight as possible. Then after the wedding, I decided to give myself a little break and not worry about what I ate for a few weeks. Which, of course, turned into a few months. I ate whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like eating it. And most times, that meant junk food in large quantities.
Around November/December, I decided that I needed to get "back on the horse" and tried to eat better. I got back on My Fitness Pal and made a resolution to start exercising again. It didn't stick. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't stick to it. It was incredibly frustrating, especially since I had such success before.
Now, as those who know me know, I have been going to therapy for several years now. I started going after suffering with a bout of depression and then began going regularly after my dad died. Well, naturally, one of the many topics that my therapist Amy and I talk about is my struggle with weight and its effect on other aspects of my life. She has always been a proponent of what I call the "it's ok" method. Meaning that if I eat a big, healthy salad, it's ok. Conversely, if I eat a burger, fries, and a brownie sundae, that's ok too. The most important thing is to check in with my body and try to make good choices that fit what I really need and/or want.
I'll be honest and say that I have always been a bit skeptical of this theory. How could eating poorly be just as fine as eating healthy? If I let myself eat whatever I want, I'm gonna choose the burger and fries over the salad every time. How is that going to help me lose weight?
But a few weeks ago, we were talking about food and weight and such and it came up that I actually felt best about all of that stuff during tech week of all times. Tech week, also known as "hell week", is the week leading up to the opening of a theater performance which consists of full run-thrus of the show every night. Since I also work full-time, this meant that I would go directly from work to rehearsal every night. I decided that for the week, I wouldn't worry about my diet. I was also working 40+ hours that week due to personal issues with some of the employees, so I figured that I had enough on my plate (no pun intended) without worrying about food. I would pack my normal lunch, but I also packed dinner for myself out of the leftovers that we had in the house. (I didn't have time between work and rehearsal to stop and get food, so if I didn't pack it, I wasn't eating) Luckily for me, Mom had cooked earlier in the week, so I had either chicken or salmon and rice for dinner every night. I weighed out a few ounces of the meat and about a 1/2 - a full cup of rice in the morning, with a Cheryl's cookie for dessert. I was always satisfied, but not stuffed and I felt good.
This was a revelation for me! I didn't worry about what I ate, gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, and I ended up not only making good food choices, but not overdoing anything and still felt satisfied.
So I ended up going to the library a few days later to see if they had the next Game of Thrones book (I just finished the first one) and decided to see if they had any books on this theory of eating - i.e. that it's all about checking in with your body and eating what you want. Well, I found two books that looked interesting. One was "Full Filled: The 6 Week Weight-Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food and Your Life from the Inside Out" and the other was "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food". I've known for a long time that I have a poor relationship with food and that I use it as a coping mechanism, so I figured that I'd give them a shot. Well, I can't give an opinion on the first book, as I'm still working through the 6-week plan, but I will say that the 50 Ways to Soothe book is really cool. Some of the methods are kind of no-brainers and some are not something that I'd ever do, but that's part of why the book is great. It has so many different types of methods, from breathing exercises to interpersonal interactions to how to use your different senses to relax. It also does talk a bit about emotional eating and gives some examples from actual people's lives.
But the proof is in the pudding as they say, so I tried out one of the techniques. I was at work and, as usually happens, I got stressed out by some frustrating customers. There were some cupcakes in the backroom that one of the employees had brought in and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to eat one. Instead, I used the cleansing breathing technique which is just breathing in, holding it for a few seconds, and then releasing it in little bursts. It helped. I still wanted those cupcakes, but the urge was not nearly as strong, so I could keep myself from running back and grabbing one.
So I guess to make a long story short, (too late!) I'm changing my approach to food, weight loss, and health. It's about listening to my body about what I want to eat and only eating when I'm hungry, not as a way to cope with whatever emotion that I'm feeling. After all, it makes sense. Worry leads to stress and long periods of stress have been proven to have a poor effect on health. If I want to be healthy, I have to stop the cause of my stress: the worry. I mean, if worrying about all this stuff would make me thin and healthy, I'd have been thin and healthy years ago.
