So I know that I haven't posted in awhile and I should start off with an update on my life and food/exercise plan, but there is something that I have to get off of my chest first.
As you all know, the G8 Summit was held at Camp David this year and because Thurmont is the closest town to it, we had protestors. I don't want to go into too much detail, but on that Saturday, Mom and I went out to see all the protestors and live this piece of history. Well, let's just say that we got ourselves involved in a passionate debate with some protestors. Needless to say, people gathered around us to watch. It wasn't until I was telling the story to my sister's boyfriend that I thought that there might be a video of us on YouTube. Well, I did some checking, and while most of the videos are about the Ethiopians (4 buses of people tend to draw some attention), there is one video that has a small snip-it of our debate. And before you ask, no, I will not be posting the link here. After watching the video, I looked at the comments to see what people thought, and although there were not very many comments, a few of the ones that were there really affected me. One person wrote, "the fat girls bitching about raping. LOL i doubt someone would want to rape them!" and another wrote, "That overweight drama victim's rant about rape was painful to watch.". Now I realize that whoever wrote the first comment is a pig and a clear example of the rape culture that is a part of our country so I should dismiss anything that he/she says, but these two comments have one thing in common: "that fat/overweight girl".
Now I'm not stupid. I know that I am fat. I'm 233lbs and most of that is not muscle. I wear a size 14/16 in clothes and I jiggle when I walk. I have been like this for about half of my life. And most days, I own it. "Yeah, I'm fat. So what?" But something about reading it in print, albeit online, just struck a nerve. In my head, I realize that people look at me and see a fat girl. I mean, that's the first thing I think of when someone closes me on eHarmony. "Yeah, I don't want to date her. She's fat." (And yes, I know that that is just my insecurity talking. It's not always the case.) But I guess somewhere in the back of your mind, you just hold on to this shred of hope that people don't see you like that. Also, and it's hard to explain, but on a day to day basis, I don't think that I'm that fat. I know that I am big, but I don't really realize it until I see it in pictures or something like that. My mind kind of dissociate me from my size. I guess it's because I'm on the inside looking out. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone but me, but that's how I feel. So when I read those comments, they really hurt, mostly because that is how I am identified in the world. I'm not "that girl bitching", I'm "that fat girl bitching". It's like, now that it's out there in the world, it's real. It's true. I'm fat, and not in the "I own it" way, but in the "You're disgusting" way. And it hurts.
I know that I shouldn't care what other people think and that it's what's on the inside that counts and that "no one can make me feel inferior without my consent", but to quote a different source, "but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding". It's amazing how you can go from feeling so on top to suddenly crashing down. I mean, earlier today, I felt great! I got in a tough, but excellent workout and although it was a cheat day for food, I didn't go that overboard. I've been losing weight and feeling stronger, but in that one instant of reading those comments, it all became null and void.
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Well, I hope my next post is on a happier note. Also, I'm going to try, and I mean try, to post more often. I think having this blog really helps me.
