In the middle of the night....I go walking to my fridge

Thank you Billy Joel for the title inspiration. :)

Well, I've been working with this new diet (and I use that word with its actual definition attached) for a few weeks now, and I have to say that I've made some progress. It's a multi-layered process that starts with determining if I'm stomach hungry or mouth hungry. Basically, do I want to eat because I am actually hungry and need sustenance or because I am reacting to something else?

It's a lot more difficult to determine than you might think. I mean, I know when I'm having a craving. It's almost always something ridiculously unhealthy and I want it in that moment so badly that I have to have it. I obsess over it until I get it and usually feel bad after having it (although that's a whole other issue) But just the act of determining where my "hunger" is stemming from is harder to do.

But I think I've more or less figured it out. It's not 100% accurate all of the time, but I can usually tell when I'm actually hungry. It's sounds so silly to even type that sentence. Knowing if you're hungry or not should be one of the easiest things to do. In fact, it should just come naturally. Either I'm hungry or I'm not. Simple. End of story. But I haven't actually listened to my body and its needs for a long time and the less that you "check in", the more faint the signals get. So that's what I've been doing: "checking in". Every time that I want to eat, I ask myself "Am I actually hungry?" and wait for an answer. Sometimes, I get a very definitive answer, like my stomach will growl, but other times, I have to really try to figure it out.

Now this doesn't mean that I am always able to stop myself from eating even when I do determine that I am mouth hungry. But, as my therapist has to remind me, listening to your body, "checking in", and figuring out what is going on is Step 1. Stopping yourself from eating is the advanced course. So I have to remind the perfectionist in me that I am doing well and making progress, even if I'm not as far along as I want to be.

Because this is the thing that bugs me and is the reason for the title of this post: I am pretty good at listening to my body throughout the day. I can usually tell what type of hunger I'm experiencing and even pack a healthy lunch and snack for work to get me through the day. When I get home, I have a nice dinner and a little dessert. I feel satisfied and proud of the choices that I've made that day. I'm even making progress in not using food as a way of soothing myself.
But at night, usually after 9pm, I tend to sabotage myself. I get hungry again and a little snack turns into a few snacks/what may constitute a meal or I just find myself in the kitchen looking for something to eat. And the thing is, sometimes it's difficult to tell why. There is no direct underlying emotion to trigger the urge. I'm not bored or tired or lonely or anything. I just want to eat. Some of it may stem from old habits (they die hard apparently), but I don't know. I've tried just staying out of the kitchen with little success.

It's so frustrating! And it brings up the whole "Well, I've just screwed up this day. All that work for nothing" mental dialogue that makes me want to just throw in the towel. Once again, this comes from the "all or nothing" mentality of my perfectionist side that is incredibly difficult to change. It honestly feels like if I could get my nighttime eating under control, I would be fine. I know there are many parts that go into making this problem, but it seems like this part is the main problem at the moment. Get this together and we're good.

So I still have a lot to work on, but it is a process. Onward and upward.

Old Habits Die Hard

You know, when you've done something for 20-some odd years, it's really hard to change it. Not impossible. Just very, very difficult.

Which is, of course, what I'm dealing with trying to change my eating habits. I'm trying really hard to only eat when I'm hungry and not bored, or stressed, or anxious, or sad or whatever. But I'm failing.

And I know that this is part of the problem itself: seeing it as failing. I've used food to cope for most of my life, so trying to change a habit of about two decades is going to take some time. Not to mention that this is a whole new way of approaching things and there's going to be some trial and error. And that's ok. I'm on a journey after all. It doesn't have to be perfect; I just have to move forward in the direction that I want to go. But, like my relationship with food, my tendency to be hard on myself and want things to be perfect is an old habit and difficult to break.

So I guess a better term is that I'm struggling or that there have been several errors during this trial.
I'm usually pretty good during the day. I have breakfast before work, pack my lunch, and have a small snack packed for either before or after lunch, depending on when I need it. Then I get home and have dinner and a small dessert. All in all - great! The problem comes later in the evening. A few hours after dinner, I find myself going back to the kitchen for something else. Usually, it's something sweet, but not always. And then later, I go back again for a little more.
And I know that it has to stem from emotional eating. I'm not that hungry after dinner. If I am, it's when I have dinner early, so there is more time between when I eat dinner and when I go to bed. In those cases, I have a little something between dinner and bed and I'm fine. But those times are rare, as I usually don't get home from work until 6:30 or 7.

But it's not always easy to even figure out the cause of the emotional eating. What am I feeling? How can I dissipate the feeling without eating? Not to mention that sometimes, habit truly takes over. I get up, go to the kitchen, grab something, eat, and then realize what I just did.

*Sigh* I can tell already that this is going to be a long process.

A New Approach

So I haven't updated this thing in over a year. Yeah.... I could say that it was because I had a busy year, and to some extent, that's true, but mostly, I'm lazy and didn't feel like typing out a big, long, post. Let's be honest.

But, I've got the motivation to start writing again, so I'm going to go with it for as long as it lasts.


Last year, I was on track to getting healthy. I was exercising more, eating within my calorie limit, and losing weight. I was feeling pretty good. I definitely had my bad days and slip-ups, but overall, I was going strong. It didn't hurt that my sister got married last September and I was the Maid of Honor. Pretty good motivation for losing as much weight as possible. Then after the wedding, I decided to give myself a little break and not worry about what I ate for a few weeks. Which, of course, turned into a few months. I ate whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like eating it. And most times, that meant junk food in large quantities.
Around November/December, I decided that I needed to get "back on the horse" and tried to eat better. I got back on My Fitness Pal and made a resolution to start exercising again. It didn't stick. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't stick to it. It was incredibly frustrating, especially since I had such success before.

Now, as those who know me know, I have been going to therapy for several years now. I started going after suffering with a bout of depression and then began going regularly after my dad died. Well, naturally, one of the many topics that my therapist Amy and I talk about is my struggle with weight and its effect on other aspects of my life. She has always been a proponent of what I call the "it's ok" method. Meaning that if I eat a big, healthy salad, it's ok. Conversely, if I eat a burger, fries, and a brownie sundae, that's ok too. The most important thing is to check in with my body and try to make good choices that fit what I really need and/or want.
I'll be honest and say that I have always been a bit skeptical of this theory. How could eating poorly be just as fine as eating healthy? If I let myself eat whatever I want, I'm gonna choose the burger and fries over the salad every time. How is that going to help me lose weight?

But a few weeks ago, we were talking about food and weight and such and it came up that I actually felt best about all of that stuff during tech week of all times. Tech week, also known as "hell week", is the week leading up to the opening of a theater performance which consists of full run-thrus of the show every night. Since I also work full-time, this meant that I would go directly from work to rehearsal every night. I decided that for the week, I wouldn't worry about my diet. I was also working 40+ hours that week due to personal issues with some of the employees, so I figured that I had enough on my plate (no pun intended) without worrying about food. I would pack my normal lunch, but I also packed dinner for myself out of the leftovers that we had in the house. (I didn't have time between work and rehearsal to stop and get food, so if I didn't pack it, I wasn't eating) Luckily for me, Mom had cooked earlier in the week, so I had either chicken or salmon and rice for dinner every night. I weighed out a few ounces of the meat and about a 1/2 - a full cup of rice in the morning, with a Cheryl's cookie for dessert. I was always satisfied, but not stuffed and I felt good.
This was a revelation for me! I didn't worry about what I ate, gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, and I ended up not only making good food choices, but not overdoing anything and still felt satisfied.

So I ended up going to the library a few days later to see if they had the next Game of Thrones book (I just finished the first one) and decided to see if they had any books on this theory of eating - i.e. that it's all about checking in with your body and eating what you want. Well, I found two books that looked interesting. One was "Full Filled: The 6 Week Weight-Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food and Your Life from the Inside Out" and the other was "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food". I've known for a long time that I have a poor relationship with food and that I use it as a coping mechanism, so I figured that I'd give them a shot. Well, I can't give an opinion on the first book, as I'm still working through the 6-week plan, but I will say that the 50 Ways to Soothe book is really cool. Some of the methods are kind of no-brainers and some are not something that I'd ever do, but that's part of why the book is great. It has so many different types of methods, from breathing exercises to interpersonal interactions to how to use your different senses to relax. It also does talk a bit about emotional eating and gives some examples from actual people's lives.

But the proof is in the pudding as they say, so I tried out one of the techniques. I was at work and, as usually happens, I got stressed out by some frustrating customers. There were some cupcakes in the backroom that one of the employees had brought in and I wanted nothing more in that moment than to eat one. Instead, I used the cleansing breathing technique which is just breathing in, holding it for a few seconds, and then releasing it in little bursts. It helped. I still wanted those cupcakes, but the urge was not nearly as strong, so I could keep myself from running back and grabbing one.

So I guess to make a long story short, (too late!) I'm changing my approach to food, weight loss, and health. It's about listening to my body about what I want to eat and only eating when I'm hungry, not as a way to cope with whatever emotion that I'm feeling. After all, it makes sense. Worry leads to stress and long periods of stress have been proven to have a poor effect on health. If I want to be healthy, I have to stop the cause of my stress: the worry. I mean, if worrying about all this stuff would make me thin and healthy, I'd have been thin and healthy years ago.

Sick of it

I am so sick of society and the media's view of weight loss/health/body image. Every other commercial is for some weight loss program or work out regime or a show about how to be healthy. And the worst part of it is that they try to cover up their ridiculously narrow views under the guise of health or helping people. For example, I just saw a commercial for the Dr. Oz show. Normally, I don't have any real issues with the man or his show. It is meant to help people live healthier lives and avoid some of the common pitfalls out there. Although, I no longer watch shows like that because after awhile, they can make you so paranoid that everything you are doing is killing you in some way. This leads to excessive stress, which, in fact, can actually damage your health significantly. So the whole thing seems counterproductive to me.

Anyway, here is the video so you can see it for yourself and I won't have to explain it all. There is also another video clip with just the "Fat Pants" guy that isn't any better.
Lose the Shape-wear in 2013

Now you may think that I'm over-thinking this whole thing, but it just rubs me the wrong way. First of all, they have a fat guy playing the "Fat Pants" and a fat woman playing the "Shape Wear", which makes sense in that fat people are the ones that typically wear these things and it would look odd (and a bit insulting) to have a skinny person playing that part. But, by doing so, we are equating being fat with an undesirable (namely, the articles of clothing), which then translates into "Being fat is bad". They even emphasis that the guy is fat by having his belly stick out under his shirt, like the shirt couldn't contain him or something. Then Dr Oz comes on and says, "....getting you back into your skinny jeans", which equates skinny with desirable. Skinny jeans are just a cut of jean like Bootcut or Flare or Straight. It was not (as far as I know) meant to mean that if you can wear them, you are skinny. That would be like equating straight cut jeans with your sexuality....ie ridiculous.
The commercial ends with Dr Oz saying, "the Dr is in, fat is out" and the two characters cheering, which means that they are happy that fat is "out". This reinforces that being fat is not a good state to be in and that those who are don't want to be. Now, I will say that being morbidly obese is not a good thing. The people that you see on those TV shows who are 4 or 500lbs definitely need to lose weight. And I hope that they do and do it safely and healthily. But, the character portrayed here are not the same size as those people. And there are people out there who are not much smaller than these characters are who are healthy. I've stated it before on this blog that "fat" and "healthy" are not mutually exclusive terms. What we equate as being "fat" encompasses so many sized people, but our view of what "healthy" is is narrowed down to a tiny window. There are healthy fat people out there, just as there are unhealthy skinny people.

This is just one example of a bigger problem and that is that there is this pervasive belief in our culture that being skinny is healthy, good, and desirable and that being fat is bad, unwanted, and unhealthy. And this just isn't the case. There is so much more to the issue than skinny-good, fat-bad. And trying to hide these beliefs under the guise of helping people is disgusting in my book. How about we all stop worrying about each others looks, weight, and health and focus on our own. If you are fat and want to lose weight, fine. If you are fat and don't want to lost weight, fine. It is your life and your decision. The only time that I have an issue with it is when it involves those who can't choose for themselves, like children. I do believe that every parent has a responsibility to teach their kids good habits and that includes eating habits. But we still can't force people to do that.

The only glimmer of hope that I see out there is Stacy and Clinton on "What Not to Wear", which, on the surface, seems to be contributing to the problem, not the solution. I mean, a show about clothing seems like it would be superficial and make people just feel worse about how they look. But, it's quite the opposite. Numerous times throughout the series, Stacy and Clinton have had to deal with people's insecurities about their bodies and each time, they reinforce that the person is beautiful and that they need to accept their body and simply dress it the best way possible, so that they can feel as great as they look. And on many occasions, they have told people, "Dress the body that you have, not the body you wish you had". It's such a powerful statement. They aren't claiming that being overweight is healthy or not; they are simply helping people accept themselves and their bodies.

And honestly, that is what the media needs to do. They need to encourage self acceptance instead of self loathing and the belief that there is only one way to be.

Not a New Years Resolution

Well, it's that time of year. When everyone makes resolutions. "I'm gonna lose weight/quit smoking/get healthy/get a new job/etc" And the funny thing is that we all know, subconsciously at least, that it's a bunch of crap. We make these grand plans for the year and then give up on them in two weeks. The ritual of New Years Resolutions is ridiculous.

So I'm here to make a non-New Years Resolution. Akin to an Unbirthday from Alice in Wonderland, this is a resolution made on any other day than New Years. Because, honestly, we can change our lives at any point throughout the year; we don't need the year to start over for us to follow suit.

I've been on this particular leg of my journey for the past year and a half and, needless to say, it has had its ups and downs. Most recently, I had been thriving: working out every weekday and eating healthy. And then, as happens this time of year to so many people, I fell off the wagon. Obviously, I knew that this would happen, so I'm not beating myself up for it or anything, but it's still an issue.

So, I'm getting back on the horse.....again. Not as a New Years Resolution, but just as yet another time in my life when I have to pick myself up, dust off, and try again.





Oh, and here is the Unbirthday song, just for the heck of it. :)
A Very Merry Unbirthday

Getting back on the horse.....again

Well, here we go again.... Every six weeks or so, I lose all motivation to do this. I don't want to have to eat healthy or exercise; I just want to be done. I want to eat whatever I want without thinking about calories or sugar or salt or anything else. I don't want to have to wake up early to work out or feel guilty when I don't do it. So I fall of the wagon and I fall hard. Think....the bad guy at the end of A Knight's Tale.

About three weeks ago, it happened again. And it was bad. I honestly felt like an addict. I went on a late night binge where I ate with no reason behind it. I wasn't hungry, or craving anything, or bored, or sad, or anything. I just kept eating. And then I went on vacation, followed shortly after by a wedding, both of which, needless to say, made eating well challenging if not impossible. The one upside being that during vacation, I got a lot of inadvertent exercise by swimming and walking on the boardwalk.

So now, I'm trying to get back on the horse. (No pun intended with the video and everything) I'm trying to work out at least twice a week, even if it's for ten minutes. I just need to get up and do it. And I'm trying to eat better. It's been really nice recently because my mom has been cooking, so I don't have to. Not to mention that the food tastes good and is low calorie. But I may try out some recipes myself soon.

So here we go,  Take 1,765,324.



Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
-Samuel Beckett 

Fat but not Happy

So I know that I haven't posted in awhile and I should start off with an update on my life and food/exercise plan, but there is something that I have to get off of my chest first.

As you all know, the G8 Summit was held at Camp David this year and because Thurmont is the closest town to it, we had protestors. I don't want to go into too much detail, but on that Saturday, Mom and I went out to see all the protestors and live this piece of history. Well, let's just say that we got ourselves involved in a passionate debate with some protestors. Needless to say, people gathered around us to watch. It wasn't until I was telling the story to my sister's boyfriend that I thought that there might be a video of us on YouTube. Well, I did some checking, and while most of the videos are about the Ethiopians (4 buses of people tend to draw some attention), there is one video that has a small snip-it of our debate. And before you ask, no, I will not be posting the link here. After watching the video, I looked at the comments to see what people thought, and although there were not very many comments, a few of the ones that were there really affected me. One person wrote, "the fat girls bitching about raping. LOL i doubt someone would want to rape them!" and another wrote, "That overweight drama victim's rant about rape was painful to watch.". Now I realize that whoever wrote the first comment is a pig and a clear example of the rape culture that is a part of our country so I should dismiss anything that he/she says, but these two comments have one thing in common: "that fat/overweight girl".

Now I'm not stupid. I know that I am fat. I'm 233lbs and most of that is not muscle. I wear a size 14/16 in clothes and I jiggle when I walk. I have been like this for about half of my life. And most days, I own it. "Yeah, I'm fat. So what?" But something about reading it in print, albeit online, just struck a nerve. In my head, I realize that people look at me and see a fat girl. I mean, that's the first thing I think of when someone closes me on eHarmony. "Yeah, I don't want to date her. She's fat." (And yes, I know that that is just my insecurity talking. It's not always the case.) But I guess somewhere in the back of your mind, you just hold on to this shred of hope that people don't see you like that. Also, and it's hard to explain, but on a day to day basis, I don't think that I'm that fat. I know that I am big, but I don't really realize it until I see it in pictures or something like that. My mind kind of dissociate me from my size. I guess it's because I'm on the inside looking out. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone but me, but that's how I feel. So when I read those comments, they really hurt, mostly because that is how I am identified in the world. I'm not "that girl bitching", I'm "that fat girl bitching". It's like, now that it's out there in the world, it's real. It's true. I'm fat, and not in the "I own it" way, but in the "You're disgusting" way. And it hurts.

I know that I shouldn't care what other people think and that it's what's on the inside that counts and that "no one can make me feel inferior without my consent", but to quote a different source, "but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding". It's amazing how you can go from feeling so on top to suddenly crashing down. I mean, earlier today, I felt great! I got in a tough, but excellent workout and although it was a cheat day for food, I didn't go that overboard. I've been losing weight and feeling stronger, but in that one instant of reading those comments, it all became null and void.




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Well, I hope my next post is on a happier note. Also, I'm going to try, and I mean try, to post more often. I think having this blog really helps me.